THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY.

He was there, all for a moment.

There was a guy once, started out as a friendship born out of curiousity. He saw me as a puzzle and wanted to learn a little from me. I loved his intrigue so I allowed him in. That, is not my regret, though. My regret, perhaps, is that I always strive to see the beauty and sometimes forget that not everyone is not an artist like I am. Sometimes, I am all depth and no shields. That, is my regret.

We met, once, as friends. It was to celebrate the anniversary of my celibacy. It was a big win for me, something worth celebrating. But the celebration was all his idea and it caught me off guard. After all, we had just met, online, on a dating app. I loved the way he cheered me on with no intention of making me feel bad for choosing a different path from others.

I was excited. Oh, I was so excited and I can't quite remember ever looking forward to something that much. My heart almost left its place in my chest a million times over. It was hard to stay grounded when my head was in the clouds with the blood in my veins singing wildly. I caught myself zoning off every so often and a silly smile was never too far away from my face. It didn't matter that he could be a serial killer. My smile grew wider every time I thought that it could be dangerous to meet with a stranger.

"We are all strangers, though, aren't we?" I thought to myself enough to convince myself to go. Not that I needed convincing to begin with. I knew from the start that this was different, that I wouldn't flake last minute and cancel.

When I saw him for the first time, I thought that he was the hottest person I had ever seen. And he was. He is. Such a smooth chocolate complexion sitting on a face with high cheek bones and a strong jaw. A dusting of beard sat on his chin and I swear it looked just right. His lips were thin and full, just the right shade of pink. I thought they looked like the kind of lips that would curl up into a playful smirk. And, oh, did he have a great smirk!

I got up from the bench to hug him and I dropped my purse to the ground which is shocking since I have never been clumsy. I ignored that little fact and went in for the hug. It was a great call on my part. He was tall that I had to tip on my toes to reach him and I small whiff of his cologne reached my senses. I always loved a man who smells nice. I picked up my purse and we were off.

We talked on the way and I swear it felt amazing having a conversation with a stranger that felt like a best friend. It was a hiking date. I love hiking and appreciated that our first meeting would be outdoors, in my element.

I had a lot of energy, and a score to settle with the steep stairs of Thompson's falls. It was a vendetta borne of my previous visit to the place that left me breathless and light headed. I was back to prove who was boss. That, and to meet this guy that had me laughing at crazy hours of the night. Neither of them disappointed. He turned out to be as interesting in person as he was on phone if only way more handsome. The stairs didn't wind me this time and I could barely hide the cocky smile on my face. I almost did a crazy victory dance, I kinda wish I had.

Every sensible young woman has been told enough times not to go to strangers' homes. However, in my defense, I knew at this point he was more at risk of being murdered brutally than I was especially with the knife stashed away in my purse.  Just kidding! What kind of crazy person walks around with a knife? Not me, but I have considered it. I prefer having prayer as my defense, though. And in this particular case I chose to trust my gut.

I spent one of my best afternoons in a nice cozy apartment watching reality shows on TV. It was so comfortable that I almost fell asleep several times over. Sleep is always my go to plan when my mind is at peace so that was an entirely good thing. There were no shenanigans during the afternoon, even as it seeped into the dusk. I had never felt like myself around other people so soon after knowing them but this was a wonderful first time.

Even as I went home I kept thinking that it had been a worthwhile adventure. In my heart of hearts I knew that I would never get a day like that again. I hoped, though. So when we made plans to meet again, soon, I went along with the fantasy because it was a bleak thought to embrace the truth. I was deep in thought all the way home, wondering why things happened the way they do. All I had wanted was one new memory, a good memory. I got that.

Greed really is an awful thing. The next day when he proposed to try a relationship, I know my answer should have been a firm no but it was not. I tried, I really tried to be the chill chirpy girlfriend but I swear it got old fast. I want to be grumpy some days. That is how human brains work. They process different things differently. And let's not get into hormones, because I am not eighty but in my twenties hence very highly susceptible to mood changes courtesy of them little devils called hormones.

I soon learned that, in a relationship, you are to neither be in a mood nor to ask questions because it will be interpreted as something else. Something akin to pettiness or in extreme cases jealousy. I do not consider myself to indulge in either. That might be because I am right or am raving mad and can't tell up from down. Be the judge.

There is this whole thing we call red flags in modern day lingo. Being unable to ask questions, being constantly brushed off and being left on seen for hours was it for me. I am neither needy nor annoying (or I hope not) and so I saw no need to be made to feel like I was. So, I quit.

After a very bland goodnight text as an attempt to throw a tantrum which I completely ignored, I waited for a good morning one to gauge his mood. It never came. Nevermind that we were supposed to see each other that day for the second time. The silent treatment. What an awful experience. I broke the silence sometime in the afternoon to inquire what was up. All I got in reply was a couple of bland messages.

"No, am good." One said.
"How are you?" The other said.

I almost screamed then. A raving mad screech from a very angry person. I was angry at the icy coldness from a usually above room temperature warm person. I didn't know why there was a sudden change and it was clear that I would never get an answer at this rate. I took the hint. I left.

I at least try to think that I left but it is kind of like I never did. Yet, I did. And I hate every second of it, mostly because I wish I had been cold first. I wish sometimes that I didn't always have to see the good in people to begin with, that I just walked around with a shield of distrust in my hand. But I don't want to be that. I want to live and be happy. I want to make friends and laugh about stupid things. I want to fall in love even if for moments. I want to cherish life.

I will live. I will take risks. And I will be happy, even on days when I wish to forget. I will always remember; to breathe, to savour moments, to just be. Always. Always and forever.