Evolution of a lover's heart | jjk

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"We left the party together, and you held my hand the entire cab ride back to mine. I also think I remember you pouting because I wouldn't let you kiss me while we were still in the car with the poor driver. Even though I was basically glued to your side, you know?"

Truth be told, it's not the version Jeongguk remembers. Well, most of it is the same, but he didn't remember holding your hand. There just wasn't room for details when he used to cringe at the memory of how pushy he was. He was just so eager and pathetically desperate to win the bet.

Or, maybe he was just eager and desperate to be close to you and to feel your touch all over his body, but that's not what you would've believed, so he didn't allow himself to, either.

However, it starts to come back to him, and yeah, he did hold your hand. And the fondness in your voice tells him that you never looked at the memory the same way he has for the last half of a decade.

"Then, we stumbled into my apartment, and you laughed when I asked you to take your shirt off in that way guys do. Like, yank it over your head," you chuckle, and Jeongguk can't help but smile too. That, he does remember. He vividly recalls thinking your request was the cutest thing ever.

"But you did it because I asked. And, oh God, you know, I'd seen you without your shirt before, but fuck. I remember feeling like I longed for you, even though you were right there. There's this thing... about you... You're so incredibly attractive, but there's also this... this... warmth. And that's more than physical attraction. I couldn't keep my hands off you, you were so warm, and you smelled so good."

You shift on his lap as you talk, hugging him tighter with one arm and letting your other hand scratch lightly at the hair at the back of his neck.

He could accuse you of just being horny for him that night—the old Jeongguk certainly would—but he knows lust isn't what you're describing. After all, he felt it, too. Feels it. The pull of your body, the need to feel you close. Knowing you felt the same way and possibly still do makes his heart rate increase tenfold.

"And you wasted no time lifting me up on the kitchen island and asking if you could unbutton the top half of my dress. Of course, I was a bit nervous at first—who wouldn't be, getting naked in front of you—but I said 'yes,' allowed you to see me like that. And you were nothing but gentle, didn't pay attention to my flaws, didn't stare at my stretch marks. I've always been more insecure than I seem, and I'm used to disregarding my fears and pushing myself to do things either way, but with you, I didn't have to do that because that just... melted away on its own."

Just as his heart started beating faster, it also begins to thump with a specific sort of sadness, and Jeongguk can tell exactly what you're getting at. You always seem so strong in yourself and your beliefs, but it's unreasonable to think that you're never scared or nervous. Still, you never let those feelings stop you. It's admirable to a certain degree, but that facade is also one of the things constantly making his life harder.

He doesn't remember behaving in a certain way that night; he just thought you'd somehow attained all the beauty and kindness in the entire world, that you were very well on your way to being his just like he was yours, and all he wanted to do was try to love you.

Even if your confession makes him sad—he never wants you to feel insecure about anything, especially not your body and especially not around him—the last part also makes something that he wishes he could feel more often bloom in his chest.

Confidence.

Or at least a little bit of humble pride. He did do something right that night; he showed you that there was nothing to worry about with him.