Seven Minutes

Part 4

In our 12th grade, we talked about experiencing as much as we could and savoring the moments in the last year of our senior high school life - the last year before we enter college. This included confessing to our crushes. Keif had been crushing on Amanda since junior high. She once lent him her pencil during their art class (I was in Section 1 and they were in section 3), and he only had his eyes on her since then.

Amanda was a campus crush so many admirers would give her flowers and chocolates every Valentine's Day. One of those admirers was Keif except that he would not put his name in the card. In our senior year, Keif mustered the courage to write his name on his Vday gift to Amanda, and by a twist of fate, he received Amanda's gift on White Day - his birthday.

She gave him chocolates while I gifted him the cactus dish garden I made and nurtured for weeks prior to his birthday because he'd been getting sick a lot lately due to stress. In the end, he chose the chocolates over my cactus. This started my love-hate situation every March 14. Love because it's the day he came to this world and hate because it reminds me that I am what he needs but not who he wants.

After March 14, Keif and Amanda had more interactions offline and online. They added each other on their social media and began exchanging messages. Keif would always ask me what to reply, even the kind of emoji that he'd use. He's cute (as always) but knowing that the attention wasn't directed to me made it annoying. What made me more annoyed were the times when he got so busy interacting with Amanda that he would forget about me.

Once we had a big fight because I found the cacti that I gifted to him wilting. He was so distracted with Amanda that he neglected the plants. Good thing I found it before it's too late. I got so mad at him that I didn't talk to him for 3 days. Those 3 days, I tried to convince myself to not cross my boundaries and just subdue my feelings.

                                                                      "What you resist persists."

                                                                                      -Carl Jung

No matter how hard I try to get away from him, the universe finds a way to pull me back towards him.

"Ace..help..i'm dying..." Keif called and these were the first words he uttered (in a faint voice) after our cold war. I rushed to him after the call and found him lying on the floor semi-conscious. Up to this day, I can still vividly remember the struggling tone of his voice when he asked for help, his pale face, and his cold hands that dreadful day.

Keif was rushed to the hospital due to severe dengue. It was critical that he had to stay at the hospital for 7 days. Honestly, guilt still eats me up whenever I recall hearing, seeing and feeling Keif that sick and helpless. If I hadn't ignored him for 3 days, he would not have been that sick and I would have taken care of him.

Realizing how short life is and how in a matter of days, minutes or seconds, someone precious can be taken away from me made me rethink my decisions in life and pushed me to be more honest with how I feel and act.

And that made me decide to tell Keif how I feel about him. It's just a matter of how and when.