Phil Dunphy, Squib Realtor

Phil's Birthday, 5am

'Alex! Haley! Wake up girls, I know you can hear me,' Claire hissed through the bedroom door of her daughters' room.

'What time is it?' mumbled Haley.

Claire felt guilty, 'uhhhhh, doesn't matter. I'm your mother and I'm telling you to get up this instant young lady.'

A god-awful, ear-splitting scream from inside the room.

'MOOOOOM, WHAT THE HELL!?! IT'S 5 AM, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?? I NEED MY SLEEP.' screamed Haley.

Claire panicked. 'SHHHHHHH, shush! Shut up! Don't you know what day it is?' she said through gritted teeth. She knew full well that 3 minutes ago, she herself didn't realise what day it was. She'd only realised when she checked the calendar and realised Phil had drawn a picture of himself on today's date with a little birthday hat on. Damn.

'Uh, Thursday?' Haley said, confused. She remembered why she was mad. 'Okay, now leave me alone. I've got school in like 3 hours and I gotta be fresh.'

A raucous, gleeful laugh erupted from behind the door, on the other side of the room. Alex had obviously been eavesdropping.

'Fresh for school?' she cackled, 'since when do you care about school? You're full of it.'

Haley growled with frustration.

'Well, Alex, there are certain things people expect of a girl with my level of glamour and popularity. You wouldn't understand. You know, someone once asked me - and they were dead serious - if you have a hairbrush allergy.'

Alex made a shocked 'OHHHHH' sound. 'I know you've been working on that roast for three weeks because I saw it in your diary.'

'That's private you b*tch,' Haley yelled.

'GIRLS!' yelled Claire. 'It's your father's birthday, please tell me you got him gifts.'

An awkward silence.

'Uh no, but like, we didn't know.' Haley said.

'That. Is. Outrageous.' Claire said.

'Ok, well what did you get him mom?' Alex said.

Another awkward silence.

'Ok, I forgot! Ya happy?' Claire sighed.

'Oh shit. Dad's gonna be pissed. This is like the third year you've forgotten. Jesus mom.' said Haley.

'We gotta think of something fast!' said Claire, a touch of hope in her voice.

'Let's just ask Luke, he and dad like the same stuff.' said Alex.

The girls appeared from their rooms, wearing matching pajamas.

'Awwww, you're wearing the pajamas I got you?' Claire said, a hint of mocking in her voice. 'At the same time?'

'It's laundry day. This is your fault.' said Haley, disgusted.

'Well, you could try doing your own laundry?'

'Ew,' they both said.

They approached Luke's door, exchanging confused looks. There were some weird thumping sounds coming from inside. This wasn't too far from the norm though. He was going through a karate obsession phase.

'Luke,' Claire said, knocking on the door.

'Uhhhhhhh, don't come in?' said Luke.

'Why?' said Alex.

'Okay actually please come in, I need your help.'

Claire opened the door quickly, rushing inside. Her eyes went wide.

'WHAT IS THAT?' she screamed. Everyone screamed.

There was a massive eagle sitting on the bed next to Luke.

'I think he's harmless,' said Luke.

'That's an eagle! Of course he's not harmless!' said Alex.

They screamed some more.

Phil had been sitting in his bedroom this entire time, fantasising about what his gift might be. Ever since he heard Claire leave the room at 5am, he knew it was gonna be a good birthday. Obviously his gift required a long set-up and he was in for a heck of a surprise. However, he was starting to hear some yelling sounds coming from Luke's room.

'Ahhh, the old pretend emergency ploy to get me to come and be surprised by a lovely gift.' he said to himself smugly. 'As if I wouldn't see through that.'

He sauntered over to Luke's room, reaching the door in no time.

'OH MY GOD YOU GOT ME AN EAGLE?! THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!' shouted Phil with glee.

'Honey, no. We got a situation here,' said Claire seriously.

Luke reached out his hand to the eagle's claw.

'NOOOOOOOO LUKE' screamed everyone, but it was too late. Luke had reached in and grabbed something that appeared to be attached to the eagle's foot. Huh, they hadn't seen that before.

'It's a letter,' said Luke.

He opened the letter, read it for a few seconds, and tossed it aside.

'What was in it sweetie?' said Claire.

'I dunno. I got bored.' said Luke.

'Pass it to me,' Phil said. Luke passed it to his dad.

Phil read out loud:

Dear Luke Dunphy,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Apologies for the eagle, we were short on owls this year due to the-

'-WHAT?!' Phil let out, laughing. 'Honey, is this some kind of strange treasure hunt you're sending me on for my birthday? If so, I'm confused but I'm sure I'll love it eventually.'

All of a sudden, there was a huge rush of air in the room. Bam! Phil's parents, Frank and Grace Dunphy, were suddenly there in the room.

'OH MY GOD' yelled Phil. Everyone else was stunned and silent.

'Hey son, how ya doing?' Frank said cheerfully. 'So, I heard Luke's got his Hogwarts letter. It's my old school you know.'

'Don't bother with the sorting hat, Luke. The Dunphy name may as well be Hufflepuff.' said Grace. Her and Frank had a good giggle about this.

They were still laughing when Phil spoke up.

'Mom, Dad, you're wizards? Why didn't you tell me? And my son.... he's a wizard.... Am I a wizard? Where was my letter? I'm a very knowledgable magician!' he said, his eyes welling up with tears.

'Uhhh son, this is awkward. Your whole childhood, we had to hide the fact we were wizards from you. The doctors at St Mungo's said you didn't have a magical bone in your body. I'm sorry son, you're a squib.' said Frank.

'My son got accepted to Hogwarts, on my birthday.' Phil said dejectedly. 'I'm Phil Dunphy, squib realtor.'

He trudged out of the room sadly, everyone watching him go. Except Luke. Luke was bored and had started building lego.

'Hi, I'm Phil Dunphy, squib realtor,' Phil said to himself in the hallway mirror, his stupid non-magical hand outstretched.