35seconds...

Nov 16th
Give me your ATM card.
No I said
God your such a bitch

Just get away from me.
Just give me the card.
No you can't have my card.

Mom...he's got a baseball bat.

Shit.  Shit. 

He drew back the bat and when he swung the bat I flung a cabinet door open...and it splintered into a hundred pieces. 

  I ran to the bedroom and shut the door. Trying to pull the wood out of my face.

Son, call your sister to come and get you.... Now.

He burst through the door omg are you okay?  I didn't mean it. I swear.

Just get out. I'm done with your crazy. I said just.  get. Out. 

He looked at me and said I guess that's a no for the ATM card...

I said yeah that's a no.

Bitch he said.

Yeah. I'm a bitch.

And you're a dopehead.

When my daughter came she said your better off momma. He's a loser. You can do better.
It all made perfect sense.
Everything she said, that everyone said made perfect sense.

I asked her to take my son for a few days to settle myself. And she agreed.
I was absolutely lost. Broken. numb. Cried out. Prayed out. Done in.
I couldn't understand why ...then the flashbacks began......

It started with dreams....snippets looking like old film clips on Rainey days except they didn't have film back then. Endless walking in sand. It was so hot that it burned your feet. So we wrapped our feet with cloth around our sandals to keep the burning sand away from our skin....travel more from afternoon and evening, early morning ,resting when the sun was at its peak.
This is where it began. The pattern. The first 35....

The next dream was bitter cold. My hair was intricatly braided and I had on a very large fur coat. My betrothed, He didn't see me standing there....in his drunken stuper.
He only seen the girl there in front of him, three years my junior. My sister. We looked like twins. When he went to grab her she froze ....move I yelled! He froze again. 

I knew it wasn't you he said with a smirk...and my sister , enraged, shoved him down the stairs.....

Disrespectful shit she said....she was always so violent....so dark. Such as Vikings were.
I had to much light...

The next dream, was Celtic. I was a girl on a beach jumping off boulders into the water. There was a man watching from the distance. And a little boy came running up to me. Only he wasn't little. He was older than I. Omg. I found you. I finally found you. Let's go. I'll never leave you. I'll keep you safe. So was so handsome. He made me smile.....little did I know he was the devil incarnate. My divine partner who would later stab me in the back and twist the knife by his very own hand.....turning my eyes from blue to grey....almost over night.
But I'll get to that.

I woke with a cold sweat covering my body. Damn. 3:33 am. My chest hurts again. It always does after seeing this snippit. It returns to me like a plauge that is slowly killing me over and over again.

I see them flashing in front of me frequently....35 Seconds at a time. Trying to make me remember something that I wanted desperately to forget. Like worn out parchments faded with time, or old black and white photographs buried in a dusty attic, waiting for someone to bring them life again.

All I want to do is sleep. To go home again. To see it. The beautiful white place again.

When I was 15 years old I saw a documentary about Jonestown.
I wasn't sheltered by any means but I was cared for. Funny right? For a generation X.... But I was. I had a healthy respect for my father. He worked hard so I didn't give him a hard time at all.