daily thoughts.

14

I don't even know where to begin...

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. Found out a month in. During that month, my boyfriend and I decided to help out my friends who were getting kicked out of their apartment by letting them stay with us. At first, it was great. Then I found out I was expecting. They told me that they would support me and be there for me.

And they were.

They have been.

But I, as I always do, found a way to fuck it up. A social battery is a real thing. Mine ran out rather quickly. Quicker than i thought it would, at least. Maybe it was the fear that I now had to take responsibility for another human. Maybe it was just the fact that there are four adults staying in a one bedroom apartment and I'm feeling crowded. I'm not quite sure. But I started shutting myself in my bedroom. THAT started when my friends started having small disagreements and would converse in the living room where they are sleeping. Mind you, they have their bed and other necessary furniture in my living room. At first, i stayed in the room to give them that privacy. I owed them that much at least, I felt. Then it started happening more often and I started feeling weird whenever I came out of my room. So I stopped. I only came out to grab some food or to use the bathroom. I can't tell you how long I've stayed in this room.

My boyfriend goes out there and chills with them. But the conversation always turns to the next edm concert they are going to, what drinks they wanna pregame with as well as take to the party AND the afterparties. Notice the plural on 'afterparties.' Normally, I wouldn't mind. But, I did start minding when the talk of what party drugs they were gonna take. How high they were gonna get. I started feeling left out. Not with the drugs or anything like that. But going out and drinking and partying with my friends. Sure, I can still go out. I just can't get on the same level as them. I can't go where there's too many people smoking and not in the right mindset. Where there are moshpits constantly popping up.

Normally, when they go out, they would all stay out till 3 or 4 in the morning. That's fine. We always stayed out till then. However, I would wake up around that time freaking out because the other half of my bed is empty. I constantly worried that something happened. I wanted to make sure my boyfriend was ok. I would send a text but I wouldn't always get a message back. If I did, it was thirty minutes to an hour later. Then they'd come home and my boyfriend would slide into bed and tell me that he's "tripping balls right now." Am I overreacting when I get upset about that? I mean, we have a CHILD on the way. A BABY and he's out there getting high and tripping while I'm stuck at home, not being able to experience the fun they're having. Many arguments and tears (all from me) later, I FINALLY get an answer as to why he's going out and doing all this: he wants to get it out of the way now so he doesn't have the urge to do it when baby is here.

Great. So he gets to go have a stress reliever while I stay home constantly stressing out and no way to relieve my own. Maybe I'm overreacting again. It seems to be a reaccuring thing with me.

Our arguments have mostly been about the fact that my house doesn't feel like a home. Not my home, anyway. Our arguments have been about the fact that I want my friends out of the apartment already but I also don't WANT to kick them out because I would feel bad about it. What a conundrum. At this point as I am writing this, they have been here for 5, nearly 6 months. My boyfriend and I said we should finally give them a deadline. I agreed and that was the last I heard of that.

There was a day where I just felt so low. I felt that my best friend hated me. She would talk to me with only short sentences and not stay around to chat. They were all making BBQ. Where was I? Still in my room. I couldn't bring myself to go out there. Especially not after hearing how short my friend was being with me. I cried so much. My boyfriend came in to try and calm me down, but he's not very good at consoling people. After I finally calmed down and stopped crying, my friend came into my room to tell me to text my cousin my address since we would be meeting here to do our dance group thing. This being my final time for a while. So I did. Then my cousin attacks me through text saying that I shut everyone out and that I haven't been a good friend or cousin because I never once messaged her or anybody else. That all she wanted to do was be there to support me but I cut everyone off. I cried again. I felt like my world just crashed. My most favorite cousin in the world hates me. My best friend hates me. My boyfriend barely spends time with me. I can't even come out of my room because the tension is too thick. My boyfriend comes back in the room.
"Why are you crying now?" He asks. I couldn't talk so I just showed him my phone. The only thing I could say was "Now my cousin hates me, too," and cried harder. He didn't know what to say so he took my phone mumbling, "I'm gonna go talk to (my friend)" A few minutes later, she walks in and sits down but doesn't say anything. I know she's mad but I wasn't sure why. I found out today as of publishing this part. It was because "I shut her out. I don't know her at all even though we've been friends since high school." The thing about that is...she changed. And obviously I know people are not the same as they were in high school. But I'm talking about when we rekindled our friendship. She became a person I could never recognize. Anytime we have ever had a conversatiom, it became either about back in high school, the dance group, the between our friendship when she went to a bunch of frat parties and started smoking weed and drinking a lot, or now: when she goes out and gets so drunk she's throwing up or doing party drugs. I can't connect with this person anymore. I've gotten to a point where if I hear any of them talking about drinking or anything,  I leave the room (which was only if I actually made it out of my room in the first place) or, if my door was open, I go to it, make eye contact with my boyfriend, and shut the door with slight anger. I'm sick of hearing about it and why?