Collide

Twenty One

He walked away and got into his car without saying another word.

I was a terrible person.

"What in the hell did you just do?" Logan asked me.

I shook my head and walked inside the house. I sat down on the couch as all of these thoughts ran through my mind.

My dad was a horrible person who didn't care about anyone else but himself. I hated the fact that I was seeing a lot of him in myself right now.

"Ryan, why are you acting like this?" Logan questioned me. I heard her sigh as she sat down next to me. "Well, I know why, but do you really truly think that he deserved that?" 

"That boy has been there for you through hell and high water and you just sent him off like that? He doesn't see you any differently, Ry. What happened with Dad wasn't my fault, it wasn't your fault, it was nobody's fault, but his." she went on.

I was listening, but I wasn't listening.

"I don't know if I can let him be there for me if I feel like I don't have any value myself. I feel like one of the worst people to walk this planet." I tried to formulate my feelings into words.

"Why do you feel like that?" she asked me.

I thought back to that night when we drank too much and got a little too touchy.

"When we were in the Hamptons, we drank together one night. It was the night that you guys went into the city to go see something on broadway. We went on that date, went back to the house, we started drinks, and then it just happened." I kept my voice low.

"And he was a virgin and I feel like the worst fucking person. We were drunk and then I just did that like he means nothing to me. It's not that he doesn't mean anything to me, because that couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't think that I can measure up to the idea he has of me in his head and I don't think that I would be a good girlfriend." I expressed. 

I laid across my sister's lap. "Now we have to go to school tomorrow and just have to try to get back to normal. I don't know if I'll ever be normal again. The past two years have been so extremely traumatic."

I could feel my sister stroking my hair. "That's why we're in therapy. We'll probably be in therapy for the rest of our lives, to be honest."

"I don't think that you should have been that abrasive towards him but I understand why you acted like that. He might be mad right now, but he'll understand one day. I just want you to know that I'll always have your back, Ryan. No one can understand what I have been through other than you and vice versa."

"But I also want you to be so so so happy and loved. I saw the way he looked at you and the way he treated you. That was love. Not was, it is. I also don't want you to rush or try to fix anything until you can see yourself in positive life. You're so beautiful, inspiring, and loving. You deserve the world."

"You need time."

I nodded my head.

I do need time.

"Do you think he hates me?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "Absolutely not."

"Both of you need time. You're young."

"I just don't want you to beat yourself up forever. Mom and Dylan would want both of us to be so happy and live a fulfilling life. We have to since they can't." Loo went on.

How did my little sister have more wisdom than me right now?

I sat up and gave her a smile. "I love you SO much, Logan."