Heartstrings ➳ z.m.

seven - zayn

Chapter Seven – Zayn

            When Zayn wakes up, he’s still tired. And he has a headache.

            It’s a throbbing headache, one that slams against the edges of his mind with every inhale and cracks the seams of his skull with every exhale.

            He should’ve expected this. This used to happen all of the time when he was smaller; after he’d cried his eyes out, he'd go crawling to his mum complaining of a headache. And she would just smile, and gather him in her arms, and pepper little kisses on his forehead, and say that it was just his mind conveying what his heart was feeling. And Zayn’s eyes would get wide, because he had no clue what conveying meant, and he’d mouth the word over and over with one hand over his heart and the other grasping a warm mug of tea.

            And he’d always feel better.

            Zayn bites his lip, squeezing his eyes closed. It would just be so easy for him to shut down now, just like he did so many years ago, except now he can’t.

            He’s already opened that jar of memories and maybe that’s exactly what his mum always used to mean, because his heart hurt—no, his heart stung—and he can feel it all in his mind, with every pounding slam of the splintering headache.

            He can feel as every thread around the hem of his heart falls away, and he can feel as every heartstring is tugged and every splinter of truth is embedded in him.

            And it hurts. And now Zayn doesn’t know whether it’s the headache or the shuddering realization of truth that’s making him cry again, but he is anyway and his head only hurts more.

            And then the door is opening, and a curtain of brown hair is peeking in, followed by a head.

            It’s Skylar asking if Zayn is alright.

            And it’s funny, because even though Zayn is not alright, it’s the most alrightthat he’s been in such a long time.

            And even though he knows this, he can’t bring himself to say it. Because saying it will make everything so real, so very painstakingly real, and Zayn knows that once it’s real, there’s no going back. Once it’s real, Zayn will have to accept everything that’s happened in the past five years and he’ll have to make up for everything he’s missed and he’ll have to figure out how to fit in again and be normal, and Zayn knows that as hard as he tries, he’ll never be able to do any of that.

            And he’s afraid.

            It’s just so much easier to just follow things in a certain order because then Zayn knows that everything will be the same way that it was when he went to bed and when he wakes up everything will be okay, and alright, and nobody’s going to ever leave his life again because he’ll have control over that.

            And Zayn knows how stupid it is to believe that, but he can’t help it, because it’s the closest thing he’s got to solid in a world of change.

            He knows what he’s doing, and how he’s got to let go, and he’s heard it all before.

            But he can’t, he can’t go through that again, that crying and depression and blurriness and emptiness and loneliness and he can’t.

            Things have to stay the same for Zayn, because he can’t handle losing somebody that close to him again. And this is why he hates getting close to people now, and why he’s trying not to let Skylar get near him because he knows that one day she’s going to leave him too, and maybe it won’t be in such a tragic way and maybe Zayn won’t feel as bad when she goes but it’s still going to hurt.

            And that’s why he has a schedule, and that’s why meeting people, and getting close to people, and thinking is not on it.

            Because Zayn has to keep things the same now. He’s already grasped the feeling of loss and change and he can’t feel that again.

            So Zayn stares at Skylar, and she keeps talking and he doesn’t respond and eventually she leaves.

            But Zayn’s headache doesn’t go away and the tugging of his heartstrings doesn’t stop and he’s feeling as lonely as ever.

            And he wishes now that he did answer Skylar, and he wishes that he told her that he wasn’t alright so that she’d wrap her arms around him and hold him tight and push him back together.

            Because he’s falling apart at the seams.

            Zayn listens as Skylar tells the boys that no, he’s still sleeping and yes, she was just on the phone with Trinity, and does anybody know where tea is?

            And Zayn wonders why Skylar is lying for him until she slips back in moments later with a mug in her hands. She doesn’t even say anything, just passes it to Zayn and watches as he takes a small sip.

            She doesn’t say anything in response, just sits there until he finishes the whole mug, and then she takes it from him, and tells him that if he never needed anybody to talk to, she’s there. And almost as if she knows what he’s going through, she gives him this soft smile that’s different from the one that she gave Louis, like it’s a smile meant just for him and she tells him that she’s not going anywhere and she’ll always be ready to listen.

            And Zayn doesn’t know why, but he’s crying again. Skylar says nothing, and gives him a hug until he’s done, and she gives him one final smile, and she tells him that she’d like to stop by tomorrow around the same time, if that was okay.

            Zayn doesn’t tell her no.

            And when she leaves, she tells the boys that Zayn’s still sleeping and to leave him alone, Curly, and that she’d like to come by tomorrow, but she’d eat before she comes.

            And for some reason that Zayn doesn’t know, his headache stops.

            And he thinks it’s because of the tea, or maybe because he’s just ignoring the pain, but then he realizes what it really is.

            His heart doesn’t hurt anymore, and it’s all because of Skylar.

            There’s no other way that he can conveyit.

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I'm always like writing Skylar's chapters because it's the story, but I always like writing Zayn's parts because it's him. Zayn's parts always tell about Zayn.

And I love that.

I like this chapter in particular because now you know what happened to Zayn to make him this way (he lost somebody) and the way he is the way he is is because he was traumatized, but now he finally sees that. This chapter is just a big batch of confused feelings, unlike chapter 5, which was so ... Literal. And I like this one more.

Update tomorrow or Wednesday?