Heartstrings ➳ z.m.

twenty-one - zayn

Chapter Twenty-One – Zayn

He didn’t know how hard it’d be until he’s already doing it.

            And he doesn’t understand why. He’s done this before; he’s spent five years of his life doing it.

            So why is it so hard now?

            And he already knows why, but he tries not to believe it.

            Because one of them is just going to end up hurt in the end.

            Harry pokes his head in the door, a strained smile over his face. Zayn can see how much he cares for Skylar, and he hates it. “We have to leave in fifteen minutes; are you coming with?”

            Zayn can feel her gaze on him, and he tries to dip his head low, tries to sketch this lake and get this reflection right, tries to ignore the way that Skylar’s eyes probe into him but all of it’s in vain because she can see right through him like she always has.

            “Yeah,” she says, and her eyes don’t leave Zayn once, outlining his figure with her stony gaze. “I’ll be there. Never got to watch you all perform, really. It’ll be nice.”

            And Zayn feels bad; bad, bad, bad, because he can hear the catch in her voice and he’s already making her upset without even trying.

            He’s already breaking her and that’s all he’s trying to avoid.

            And Zayn just wants to scream and shout and cry because it’s not fair, it’s not, and he can never win and he’s tired of it.

            He settles for letting a shuddering gasp escape.

            Skylar thinks it’s because he doesn’t want her there.

            It’s not, and he feels even worse.

            Nothing new.

            In the car, Skylar sits next to him. His forehead is pressed against the cool window, eyes closed, and Skylar is toying with his fingers. She moves from picking at them to lacing them together, to complimenting how well they fit.

            The other boys pretend not to hear the desperation in her voice, and it hurts Zayn to know that he’s the reason, and he sighs, glancing at their hands. They do look nice.

            Perfect, even.

            And Zayn’s heart starts to rattle in his ribcage, beating out of his chest because how can something be wrong if it feels so right and looks so right?

            Because Zayn knows it’s wrong. It has to be, because there’s no happy ending for Zayn.

            There wasn’t the first time, and so it’s impossible for it to happen now.

            And then Skylar’s voice is cutting clear through his mind, sharp and pleading, and he can’t ignore her now. “What did I do wrong?”

            She says it barely above a whisper, but it slaps him all the same, and he hears as the boys draw in a breath, how the car turns eerily silent.

            And Zayn purses his lips, because he needs her to know this. “I just… I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

            And then he hears Skylar start to cry, and she looks so beautiful, and he feels so, so bad but there’s nothing he can do about it as she drops his hands from hers.