Alpine

Gambit 2 - Reprise

Control is an illusion people create for themselves to feel safe. Writing down when events will happen to plan for them: control. Feeling smug in predicting how others will behave: control. Making deals to perform one service in exchange for another: control. It is the feeling that whatever comes next is within one's power to shape. The dangerous part about it is sometimes that feeling seems to be right. Sometimes the planning, the predicting, and the negotiating leads to the expected outcome. My life improved after he moved in below me, because I thought I had the situation under control. We had agreements. We had stated rules. I was handling him. Control became a safety blanket against the dark shadows of his chaos. It was as comforting as it was useless. Even when everything started to fall apart, I refused to believe that I was powerless to fix it.

I had a mid-morning meeting with Clara and Ryan in one of the conference rooms. Dave got overloaded with requests for new customization features that our marketing team said prospective buyers would expect. Implementing the safety features now fell entirely on my shoulders. Clara, as the legal expert, was grilling me and Ryan on what stupid things the user could do to get hurt and the limits of what we could prevent. Basically, she needed to know what "don't put a baby in the oven" stickers Alpine should have to keep the company from being sued.

To be honest though, it felt less like a business meeting and more like I was the third wheel in a conversation between sweethearts. Clara and Ryan knew each other so well that Ryan was able to answer her questions with references to inside jokes. I sat there awkwardly with no idea what was going on until a wayward question would be directed at me. Clara always seemed disappointed in my answers.

The out-of-place feeling somehow got worse when Ryan excused himself to take a smoke break with Switch. I thought Clara would take advantage of the time to ask software-specific questions. Instead, she sat at our little, round meeting table in her smart, grey suit, better dressed than everyone in the office except Switch, taking notes.

Maybe it was on me to strike up conversation with her, but I opted not to. Even though I had no interest in dating Clara, it is hard for me to look at a woman and avoid making a silent call on whether I have a chance. A professional of her caliber was miles out of my league, and I sort of resented that. I was also terrified of that resentment slipping out. So, as she sipped at her Starbucks monstrosity, scribbling large, confident, looping letters in black pen, I stared down at my tightly clasped hands, pretending I was invisible.

I heard the pen cap snap into place. She began, "So, what exactly is the deal with you and Ryan?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's the deal with you two?"

I considered shrugging, but that might have been an insult to Clara's intelligence. The problem was I had no idea what she had picked up on and no intention of feeding her new information if I could help it. I tried to give her a blank, innocent expression. I probably looked guilty as hell.

Clara rolled her eyes and scooted her chair closer to mine. In a quieter voice she said, "You know. All that drama you two had with Tim that suddenly disappeared, the covert looks, the secret emails..."

"Who said we had secret emails?"

"Please. I've watched you two go back and forth while sitting six feet from each other. You wouldn't do that if you were talking about anything work appropriate."

My mouth opened and shut again. I had not explained the situation with Switch to anyone. Starting now seemed like a bad idea. Especially if Ryan had not already clued Clara in. It seemed like he shared most things with her, so he must have had a reason to hold this back.