feelings I guess

the things filling my mind recently

this is super annoying to talk about bcus usually I don't talk to anyone about anything but apparently its healthy so if its going to maybe help with my very much annoying thoughts I will try.

ok so recently every single little fucking thing makes me mad or upset. anything I do makes me want to throw myself off of a bridge. I feel like Im getting more addicted to smoking literally anything, mostly weed. I feel like shit all of the time and I feel like doing shit to get it off my mind will help but all it does is make me want to do things that I probably shouldn't do or it makes me realize how bad everything actually is when im sober again. I never really worried bout the amount of weed I smoke until people started worrying about me saying that I smoke a lot, and that didn't really make me think to much on it but when my friend texted asking if I wanted to come over and the first thing I thought of was the fact that I might be upset when im there because im not going be high (she doesn't smoke bcus of trauma) that part made me think about it. 

enough about my addiction to mrs. marry... another thing is that I am literally 13 and constantly thinking about drugs and about how I am ready to move tf out of my dumbass town. I am constantly convinced people are mad at me and convinced so many people hate me even when my friends try to tell me I dd nothing wrong. I feel so fucking annoying all of the time to so many different people. 

-ms. anderson. 

ms. Anderson is my choir teacher nd I am literally to scared to tell her that my voice is to high to sing the part that I am in for our song . why tf can I not tell her that I can't sing a stupid low note. she always acts like im annoying her bcus when im with my friends I can be kinda loud and I am very active and hyper during her class for no reason. im scared that if I tell her I can't sing that note she'll yell at me, think im annoying, or think I said that to be in the group with my friends. I cant talk to her without feeling like I ruined her day and when she asks how I genuinely am (she asks the whole class how they are feeling and to be honest every once in while) I am scared to tell her bcus I don't want her to think im faking it. its so fuking stupid how I can't fucking tell people how I feel. its not that hard. the worst part is that I care about her opinion, I care bcus she is nice to everyone, including me. she loves everyone and tries to act and treat everyone equally.i love her but she hates me and there isn't anything i can do to fix it.

-ethans mom and dad

ethans dad is just loud and makes stupid jokes that I cant handle bcus im an emotional idiot who cant talk to big scary people even if I've met them 100 times and know they are joking. I don't think ethans dad hates me I just think I annoy him sommetimes. 

ethans mom is teacher and has big opinions on everyone and I know she only puts up with me bcus she knows I love Ethan and he has told her that I am a big part of his life and I keep him alive or whatever. ethans mom doesn't hate see but she's waiting for one slip up so she can kick me right back out of ethans life again. 

-jasper

I've felt like he's hated me since the moment he started being friends with me again. we've been friends twice before this one. the first one ended bcus Ethan and jasper dated and broke up so it got awkward and we stopped talking. jasper nd Ethan dated again except the reason they broke up this time was apparently bcus of me, we got over that at the begenning of the school year and started talking again. I kept on thinking me and him were close friends-ish but then everytime we stopped being friends he said we weren't close and were only talking bcus of Ethan. the last time we stopped being friends he didn't say that exactly but he kinda implied that I was ethans friend and not his so I was kinda upset about that but I never said anything to anyone bcus maybe they knew we weren't friends and that was my fault. I feel like im bothering him so much, like im always in the way, I just wanted to be friends with him bcus he's nice, amazing , funny , and just fun in general but everything I do just bothers everyone at this point and its getting tiring. today me and jasper got into another fight bcus I was high and wanted to make a joke but the joke wasn't funny to him and it was kinda fucked up apperently. Ethan was over and we were doing that thing that little kids do where they pretend that the other person was gone and get the person on the phone to talk shit about the person that was "gone" but we made it very obvious that Ethan was still there. we also were pretending my cat fell down the stairs so that he would answer the phone but we tried to make it obvious that it was a joke also but he's mad and yelling at me and Ethan and I feel bad. this could end our friendship with me and jasper bcus im stupid and should have thought before I said anything. I always ruin our friendship in some fucked up way and this was my first time I actually was friends with him with us both knowing it. I just wish I could be better at everything.

-my dad

my dad is one of the people who hate me the most probably. to start off im his least fav child out of two so it shouldn't be that bad, but it is and I feel like he hates me so much. I used to say I know my parents love me but I honestly don't fully believe that anymore. I know my mom cares about me but she will never be reliable enough to be a parent. I feel like he doesn't care at all about me and the only person that ever will in a parent way is my sister. my dad yells at me for everything I do and I don't think he's ever said he proud of me, or atleast he's never meant it. he always picks his gf over me and my sister in any situation and he blames everything on me. i want to leave this house because im obviously to wanted but my mom isn't reliable like I said. I hate everything right now and I don't know how to fix it. 

I cant fucking do it anymore. I cant have my feelings ignored just bcus I act like I don't have them. I cant show them or else ill get made fun of, I cant hide them or ill constantly have thoughts like these but I also cant just vent like this or ill literally fucking kms. 

I cannot.