poison - j.b.b

twenty-four

the last chapter was a roller coaster. this one will be just the same. also added some dave lyrics if you can find them ;)

it's said the brain does not process emotional pain and physical pain identically. Celia now knew that was true. the pain in her heart was worse than any pain she'd faced before. any beating from her father, every graze she got on the playground and every previous heartbreak was
just a pinch compared to this.

it is also said humans tend to remember emotional pain more than physical pain. she understood that she would carry this grief with her forever whilst scars faded. thoughts were getting hard to bare. she was empty all because of his absence and she hated it.

she hated the fact that she felt alone if he wasn't there and that she fell in love with him. she hated the fact that she had believed his words for so long and that she would be reminded of him forever. she hated him.

she didn't want to be her anymore. she didn't want to eat or even breathe but she wasn't living for her anymore. Celia was at the point of not caring anymore though. despite her wanting to have children with the supposed love of her life a few hours ago she knew she'd never be in the right state for it now.

she wouldn't be able to raise a child by herself, especially his child. she never wanted to look at him again and she knew this child would be a constant reminder. no matter what she thought now, she couldn't bring herself to book an appointment with the clinic.

she knew that in this gift called life there was no greater gift than the gift of life but she couldn't handle it. her perspective had changed now. She had visions of James by her side as their child was born in late July, supposedly when she was due. She couldn't see that anymore. Her once dreams were now nightmares. Every time she thought of him, an image of him ending someone's life clouded her mind.

Her head lay on her shoulder as she slept, surrounded by broken glass and wine. She couldn't help herself. The baby left her headspace after she began smashing things. The alcohol was too tempting. Celia had told herself only a little but the alcohol mixing with her empty stomach quickly led to irrational thinking.

She didn't wake up until after 11 that morning. Strobes of sunlight burnt into her eyes. Celia groaned and rubbed her eyes already knowing she was going to wake up in a condition she didn't want to see. The glass and wine were enough for her to figure out what happened. She remembered everything despite the hangover, unfortunately.

Her head rested on her arms as she sat alone. In movies, there's always rain after a traumatic event so she was confused as to why the sun was engulfing her. She felt as if she was laying in a bed of depression and despair whilst the room around her was pure light. Happiness was supposed to be her core emotion right now considering she was expecting but she felt nothing but hate and sadness.

Her head was pounding so bad she didn't even register the door unlocking. "Celia?" her heart dropped to her stomach. "Get out," she spoke, her eyes already being pricked with tears. "What?" he replied, confused and hurt. "Celia, what happened?" James questioned as he kneeled in front of her, his hand reaching out to touch her.

"Don't touch me!" she shouted as her body jerked away from him, almost into a pile of glass. "I-i don't understand." it was probably in his best interest that he took his hand back. "Of course, you don't understand. You only thought with your dick instead of thinking about my feelings." she spat out before continuing. "How did you think I'd react, huh? That I'd tell you that I love you anyway and we would run off into the sunset? You're fucking wrong. Maeve's dead. Because of you. I don't want you here." Celia finished before standing up and walking away from him.

He sat still, knees touching the broken glass. He didn't care. He would take all the shards of glass in the world to check if she was okay. James was astonished. He had a feeling it was too late but he tried to be optimistic for once. He stared at her as she poured another glass of wine. "Celia, you shouldn't drink so early-" he was cut off by her bitter stare, already regretting what he said. "You don't get to tell me what to do. It's not like your my boyfriend anymore." she viciously snapped, wine spilling out of its glass.

His brows furrowed as he stood up, facing her. "I- Celia I'm-" "what! you're sorry? I don't want to hear it. I don't want apologies from any of you. You're sorry won't bring back Maeve. It won't make me feel any better and it won't allow you back into my life and help-. forget it. Just get out." she shouted, tired of the conversation. "I was gonna tell you. I know it's wrong that we've been together for so long and I lied the whole time but I made a promise to myself that once we got home I would tell you," he spoke quietly and ashamed as tears streamed down his now ex-girlfriend's face.

Her arms stretched against the countertop as she silently cried. "Was it all a lie?" Celia croaked, finally looking him in the eye. His heart broke to see her crying because of him. His face softened as he reached out for her hand but she didn't reach back. "Not how I feel about you. That was always the truth," he answered, staring at her, waiting for her to speak. "You murder people. All those times you had to leave our dates early were to kill someone. I can't even look at you." she sobbed, turning her back to him.

Father of her child or not, he was the reason someone else's child has to go to bed without their father, and she couldn't get past that. "I only kill people who deserve it." he reasons, wishing she would at least look at him. "Nobody deserves to be stripped from their family. You'll understand how that feels now. I feel so stupid. Natasha knew who you were and didn't even tell me. You are who you are and didn't even tell me. And now my mom's gone. I feel sick. I hate both of you, so so much." James began to cry with her. As she sobbed, he cried.

He never wanted this. He never wanted any of this. Although nor did she. She could've had a happy life without him. He could already see it. His girl with a baby and a good man as a husband. One who obeyed the law and worked a good job to provide for his family. It made him sick. But he had done what he did to lose her and that's his fault. "I'm so fucking sorry, Celia. I just fell for you so fast that I didn't want to ruin everything. I'm so fucking selfish for it but I don't regret it. I'd do it again just to have that time with you because I love you." she shook her head as he continued his rant. Those three words made her want to throw up all the wine she drank.

"I'm in love with you and I was so scared at first, but it's the best thing to ever happen to me. I know you hate me right now but I want you to know I've never done anything intentionally to hurt you." his breath was jagged as he finished. "Go away, James," she muttered as she refilled her glass. "I won't give up on you so easy Celia." he shook his head, trying to stand his ground. "Get out. I don't want to see you again," she spoke through gritted teeth as her back faced him. She couldn't see his face but she knew he was crying; she felt no sympathy. "No," he replied, not ready to leave her yet.

"Go away!" she sobbed as she threw her glass at him, missing miserably, causing some splashes on the white wall. She stormed towards him and tried to push him out but he wouldn't budge. Tears streamed down his face as the woman he loves hit him in the chest and tears streamed down hers as she punched the man she loved.

Her fists halted as she sobbed against him, sobs racking her body. "I hate you." she repeatedly whispered as she pushed him backwards. "I know," he spoke back, prepared for her to push him out the door. "Go." she pushed him one final time, the tears running down her cheeks increasing; this would be their last touch. "I'm sorry," he spoke as she opened the front door. "And I'm sorry for falling in love with you."

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This was really hard to write. I struggled to find a way to put her emotions into words but we got there. Thank you for making it this far into the story<3

C.