forever you

[six years and three months]

Outside, the top of a head barely peaked above the windowsill.

Siobhan must be asleep, Noah thought, before sliding his eyes towards his abuelita. She looked so small, swallowed in these white clinical bedsheets, that made her skin even paler than it already was, a ghostly sheen to her usual golden tone. Her heartbeat was stable. His own heart pulsed to the regular bip-bip-bip of the machine, and from time to time he would drown everything out to get lost in the sound, sink in the beats until his own blood flowed to their rhythm, a lifeline when his brain got fuzzy, his body forgetting he made it out of tumultuous waters. It still felt fresh in his mind, despite it being hours since Siobhan had run into the training field, hair a mess, out of breath. Their eyes had locked across the room, and despite the distance, the distress in hers was as clear as lightening cracking in a gloomy stormy sky.

Noah. Your grandma had a stroke.

Her words still ringed loudly in his ears, running in echoes around his mind until they lost all meaning. Everything that happened after was a blur. A flash of the highway on the trip to the hospital, the tight grip of Shiv's hand... That was all he could remember. His mind had dissociated from his body, floating to some void plane in a futile attempt to escape the only thought his brain could muster:

not again not again not again not again not again

Losing abuelo had been hard enough. Noah missed him constantly. It was never a conscious thing. But sometimes, a sports magazine would display a football game on its front page, and Noah would want to buy it for abuelo before he choked when he remembered he couldn't. When drinking coffee, the sunrise would reflect on the blue of a ceramic cup, and his heart would clench at the realization this was one set abuelo had offered him. The pain was never a solid obsidian rock, its imposing weight felt in every one of his broken bones. No, it was a subdued shadow, one he never saw in broad daylight, yet followed him behind his back, lingered in the corners of his apartment, under every photo in his albums.

He couldn't imagine reliving all this. Two years was not enough time to recover from such a loss. Another one? He wouldn't stand it.

The relief had been overpowering when the doctors had announced abuela's stable condition. She'd need to stay in the hospital under surveillance for a few more days, they'd said, and his brain had branched out after that, barely registering his mother's suffocating embrace, or the tears streaming down her face. It was only when Siobhan had nudged him in the direction of the room that he'd stepped out of his grey plane. "The doctor allowed family's visits. You should go in, stay with abuela". So his mom and Pao could eat something, go home and shower. They'd been holding the fort during the three hours it had taken him to get there.

Thanks God his family had known to contact Shiv. His phone was off during practice. Thinking how he could have still been there, dribbling a ball around, while his grandma was being operated in urgence... It had been fortunate Shiv had known where to find him. He didn't know what he'd do without her.

A shift on the bed. Eyes snapping back into focus, Noah watched as his abuelita turned her head to the side. Hard kicks in his chest as he jumped to his feet, breath caught in his lungs.

"Abuelita ? Can you hear me ? It's Noah."

The fingers in her hand flexed a little, before finally, finally, her lids slowly fluttered open. A few disoriented blinks, before her dark irises settled straight.

"Noah?"

Tears welled in his eyes, and he didn't care to catch them as one left a wet path down his cheek. "Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?"

She grunted. Worry immediately gripped his stomach. "Wait, don't move. I'm calling a nurse."

Who came after a few minutes, checking on his grandma's vitals, ensuring her state was normal. "After what your body's gone through, it needs rest. Call me if you need anything."