just kill me already

"lucas"

7/27/20

the door slams open, "lucas. get up or your grounded." god just shut up. "get up you fucking spoiled brat. it's 11am and you have soccer at 12:30." i dont
even want to do soccer, she made me do it cause she thought it would make me not transgender or something. she then stomps over to my bed and physically drags me out. "breakfast is ready." she says harshly and slams the door. i dont want breakfast. i wish i did though, i have this stupid thing i was born with that basically makes me hate eating or something, its like some shit wrong with my brain, nobody has it though, and what i mean by nobody has it is so few people have it it doesnt even have a name.(fun fact: what lillian has is a real thing people have! the author of this story has it as well) i need to get dressed, my mom yells at me if i dont. getting dressed means having to look at my stupid body. usually i wear the same 2 outfits because i only have 2 shirts and 1 pant that looks even slightly feminine. my parents hate when i wear them though, one of the shirts is an old shirt my older sister doesnt fit in anymore, its a beige crop top with one big navy blue stripe and 2 orange ones near my neck, there is also a navy blue stripe on the end of the sleeves. the other is just a green wool sweater thats pretty big on me but whatever, and the pants are just grey sweatpants. usually i wear the sweater cause you cant see my box figure, my hairy bulky arms, or my scars. i take off my clothes and look at myself in the mirror, i hate it. i hate my hairy bulky legs and arms, my jawline, my stupid hooked nose, my ugly adams apple, my flat chest, my box body, my basically invisable eyelashes, my thin lips. the only thing feminine about me is my hair that my mom keeps forcing me to cut. i put on the sweater, some white crew socks, and these beige cargo shorts that go to my knees before i start crying. "lucas are you going to eat or what?" my dad yells from downstairs. "no" i mumble to myself. everytime i hear the name "lucas" i feel like i just got stabbed in the heart. i hate being called lucas, it makes me feel like shit. i like the name lillian, or lily though.