just kill me already

crush

7/27/22 12:19 pm

im walking to my soccer game, i would complain that i have to walk but its only like 7 minutes away. i hate soccer, i hate all sports really. like i said i never wanted to do soccer, my parents said it was best for me cause it would "cure" me, what they mean by "cure" me is make me want to be a boy. which will never happen, i dont understand why people are okay with being a guy, it makes me feel so uncomfortable, i hate it, sorry, off topic. but when my mom first signed me up for it i was obviously really upset, because i didnt want to do soccer and because of the whole reason she signed me up for it. so i vented about it to my best friend, imani. but it turns out she is on the same soccer team as me. so now i look forward to seeing her every week. imani is one of the best people i have ever met, she's so kind and funny, and she makes me feel confident, and she supports me for being trans and lesbian. imani is the only best friend i have had that isnt toxic. shes my only friend really. even though i live in fucking california, literally the most liberal state in the u.s, my town is super transphobic, so im lucky to find an amazing friend who is supportive, her family is super sweet about it as well. imani even uses my correct pronouns. shes also ridiculously beautiful, she does have anger issues, she wont tell me why but its okay, its not her fault that she has them so i understand. anyways, my face lights up and i feel butterflies whenever i think about her. but thats stupid cause shes straight and everything. i wish she wasnt cause she takes up like 70% of my thoughts. as im thinking about her- "hi!" i hear, its imani, i look up and realize im at the soccer court now. imani hugs me and i feel flustered and dont know what to say i say hi back awkwardly. "do you wanna come to my house after soccer?" i agree and then the whistle blows, which means get ready to start the game  (its starting in 7 minutes) the soccer field is actually the field of some other school in my school district, and its rigjt next to the locker rooms which is where everyone gets their supplies and gets dressed in the uniforms and shit, the uniforms are gendered but imani takes the biggest size from the girls uniforms and lets me wear those, which was nice of her. but people make fun of me if i do so i dont. i already get called slurs and shit just for having long hair and also the girls uniforms look weird on my body. i just get changed in the bathroom cause if i go in the girls locker room people yell slurs at me and i got hit once for going in the guys one. i don't like locker rooms anyway, seeing a ton of dicks or boobs everywhere feels weird. and it feels like everyone is staring at me to. im really excited to go to imanis house, her family is so sweet to me. imani sometimes gives me a bra so i can wear it when i feel insecure. her room is also really pretty, her house is pretty small, its one floor besides for the attic. there is 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, and the kitchen and living room are basically the same room, but its pretty cozy actually. the furniture is mostly handmade because her dad sews and her mom is a carpenter, imani is learning crochet. her room is in the attic, its really small but its this window high up where you can see her backyard which is full of trees, she has plants and silly crafts she made for fun everywhere, a big soft mattress on the floor with really comfy beige pillows and quilts. she has a desk with all her makeup and homework and stuff under her window and a super tiny tv in front of her bed. the ceiling is shaped like her roof since its the attic and she has a huge crochet quilt she made covering it, and the walls are covered with posters that her dad printed from his work for her.