just kill me already

different

(for context, this part is in the perspective of imani)

i feel different around lillian- she makes me feel and act different then i do around other people, anyone really. around everyone else i feel judged, like i have to be and look a certain way around them but no matter what lillian soesnt treat me different because of my anger issues or if im in some ugly pajamas. my other friends usually say something like "that jacket makes your arms to fat", "those pants make your thighs to big", or "that shirt makes your boobs look to saggy". i hate when people talk about my body, but lillian has never even mentioned it, and i have never mentioned hers. my body makes me feel gross about myself, i started puberty in like 3rd grade and had boobs by like 4th, except thats all people talk about, in the hallway people constantly make comments about my body, specifically my tits, thighs, or ass, people even touch them. i love my body because its the beauty standard i guess i just wish people werent creeps about it. i try to focus on doing lillians makeup but i keep thinking about how people touch me in the hallway and it always makes me really angry and stressed so i put down the makeup and sit away. lillian looks at me and doesnt say anything because if i do that it means im stressed or angry, she goes downstairs and says something to my mom, im not sure what but she comes back upstairs with hot chocolate and gives it to me then walks downstairs again. whenever im stressed its caused by small things but then they lead into worse memories. usually the worse memory is a memory of my uncle. when i was 14 whenever he saw me he brought me into quiet, private rooms and would touch me but told me that if i said something the family would fall apart and it would be my fault, that went on for 2 years but my uncle now lives in pennsylvania so we dont see him anymore luckily. everytime it happened i would burn the clothes it happened in and wash myself over and over again but i still felt dirty and gross, whenever i think about it i get that feeling again. i start crying because the memories keep replaying in my head.