Drowning || Larry Stylinson

chapter nine

"Mr. Tomlinson, I can assure you what you have experienced is not a heart attack. It is completely normal, however, to believe you're experiencing a heart attack while enduring a panic attack." 

Louis stared down at his thumbs, twiddling them anxiously. The skin around his thumbnails was peeling,  revealing raw pink skin underneath and bits of blood. Without hesitation, Louis stuck the corner of his thumb between his teeth and started to gnaw at the dead skin there. For whatever reason, his brain didn't seem to care that the doctor, Dr. Karen Latita, was watching him as he nervously ticked. 

"Have you ever considered speaking with a therapist? Maybe this is something that you can mediate without any sort of medication. A therapist can teach you some tactics you can use to help prevent panic attacks or to help calm you down while in the middle of one," Dr. Latita said, gently placing her hand onto Louis's arm so he would lower his thumb from his mouth. She gave him a small smile, then turned around to grab her notepad. "I'm going to prescribe you some anxiety pills that you can take if you feel like you're especially anxious or before a time you believe you'll be anxious."

With a quirked eyebrow, Louis asked, "How am I supposed to know what's going to give me anxiety?" 

The doctor hummed thoughtfully as she continued to scribble on her notepad. "A lot of patients have anxiety during high-stress events, but some of these events are inescapable. Let's say you had a panic attack before climbing onto a plane. If you know that last time you had a panic attack while on an airplane, you could help prevent one by taking one of these pills right before a necessary flight." 

Louis furrowed his brows when Dr. Latita handed him the note, full of chicken-scratch handwriting that he could barely decipher. He scanned the piece of paper, then folded it up until it was the size of his finger nail and placed it into his pocket. Maybe losing the paper would get rid of all of his responsibility, so then he wouldn't have to take the medication or see the therapist. Louis really didn't want to have to do either, no matter how much Dr. Latita seemed to think it was necessary. 

He couldn't understand why out of nowhere he would suddenly be having problems with anxiety. He had never experienced a panic attack before, why would he be having them now? And why would Louis be having them to the point of passing out? He never experienced stage fright, nor had he ever been nervous to fly in an airplane before. In fact, Louis was always the one who had to find barf bags for Liam on flights. If Louis didn't have an ongoing problem, what was the point of taking medication or seeing someone about it? 

"Thanks, Dr. Latita," Louis murmured as he climbed off of the patient chair. 

Before Louis could leave the room, however, Dr. Latita stopped him again with a hand on his arm. He twisted around and face the doctor, a bit surprised when he saw her face. She looked on at him like he was a broken bird. Or like she was his mother and all she wanted to do was nurse him back to health. Louis swallowed nervously, his eyes darting back towards the ground. 

"Louis, I think you should really consider seeing this therapist. She's amazing and is able to see things about you that you didn't even know about yourself. I really believe she can help you," Dr. Latita said before she placed a small business card onto the palm of his hand. He closed his fingers over the card, then gave the doctor one small nod before he left the room towards the urgent care's lobby. 

The man twirled the business card around in his fingers as he sat in the parking lot, flipping it over and over again. Louis mulled over the discussion he had with the doctor, his eyes scanning the name of the psychiatrist with ever flip of the card. After a few moments of deliberation, Louis threw the card behind him and didn't watch where it had landed in the backseat. He didn't have time to go to therapy, especially not for something as minor as...whatever was going on with him. Now that Louis knew the technical terms for the attacks he had been having, it was going to be easier for him to control them. He wasn't going to allow himself to continue to be held back by something in his head. 

Louis drove to Target after the appointment, making sure to dig out a scarf, hat, and sunglasses that could cover his features. The last thing he needed was to be recognized and bombarded by fans. He needed to clean out his apartment, he could deal with just having the furniture for now. But the small things that Louis saw had to go. The little birds that Eleanor adored placed lovingly on the bookshelves and tv stand. The blankets that Eleanor had laid on and made angels in when they first put them down. The throw pillows that Louis always thought were useless but Eleanor insisted on. They were too much like her for him to be comfortable. 

After shopping around for everything he needed, including some groceries to eat throughout the week, Louis made his way back home. There was a bit of an ache still settled inside his chest that reminded him of the panic attack he had earlier. He was still not fully convinced it hadn't been a heart attack, but the doctor was insistent. Louis sighed as he carried all of his bags inside and looked around his apartment again. Everything was still where it had been before, although it felt like a tragedy had just occurred. Louis nibbled on his bottom lip as he placed his bags down and shut the door behind him. 

There was suddenly a buzz in his pocket as Louis started to go through his bags. He pulled out his phone and frowned when he saw a text message notification from an unknown number. He swiped left on it and opened his phone, his stomach dropping a bit when he realized it was Harry. 

Are you in LA? 

Louis could feel sweat start to build over his whole body, sending a cool chill down his spine. How did Harry know where he was? He hadn't spoke to him since the incident and part of him really didn't want to ever again. If Louis could, he would probably leave the band just to get away from Harry and their ex-friendship. But there was another part of him that knew deep down he missed their friendship more than anything. They used to be able to tell each other everything, and Louis wanted nothing more than just stay that way. 

Yeah. You? 

Yeah, just made it here. Want to get some coffee tomorrow? 

Louis sighed, not really wanting to be seen in public after everything that happened. He wasn't sure how people, specifically fans, were going to react if they saw Harry and Louis meeting up for coffee together. The closeted relationship rumors were enough for Louis, but that mixed in with the suspicion that they hated each other and the kiss, he wasn't prepared to meet up like that. But Louis also didn't want to fuck up the one chance he had to make things right with Harry. 

Okay. 11am? 

Sure.