Drowning || Larry Stylinson

chapter eight

a·lone

/əˈlōn/

adjective

having no one else present.

"she was alone that evening"

synonyms:  solo, lone, solitary, single

It was rare that Louis got to just be home, he was always shacked up inside of a hotel room or shifting around in an uncomfortable bus bed. He owned an apartment in Los Angeles and another in London, but rarely got to visit either one. He also had bought a house for his family, one that his mum profusely refused to accept, which he had only seen in person twice. Louis wasn't sure he was aware of what home was. It used to be where he would stay with Eleanor when they were together, but when they had broke it off, Louis didn't feel like he had somewhere to go. His apartments felt too lonely, his family home was a brand new place, and hotels just became a blur. 

When One Direction took a few months off of touring, interviews, and recording for the holiday season, Louis wasn't exactly sure where to go. He knew that his mum and siblings would want to see him at some point soon, but Louis didn't think he could bear seeing them in that moment. It was only October when the band was due for another break. They had just finished interviews for their newest album, had a tour announcement coming in two months just in time for Christmas, and didn't have any other commitments that were needed as a band. Louis knew that everyone else was going back home to their families, and Zayn and Liam also planned on spending half the time with their partners. 

Although, Louis couldn't be sure what Harry was up to. Since Harry had kissed Louis, the two had avoided each other like the plague. Not that Louis really was up to talking with his ex-best friend. Anytime Harry seemed like he wanted to talk to him, Louis would either make up some sort of excuse, like a fake phone call, or Harry would seem to change his mind before the words could come out. It was better this way, Louis thought, because now they wouldn't have to deal with the awkwardness that came from the kiss. There would be no explanations or apologies or anything that would make their already strained relationship even worse. 

So while all the other boys were visiting family and friends and girlfriends, Louis was by himself at his Los Angeles apartment. He thought for a moment that he should just go get a hotel for a bit, get away from everyone and pretend like he was a normal person for a little while. Maybe he could go some place he hadn't been yet, like Hawaii. But Louis had just hired a maid service to clean up his apartment before he got there, and he wasn't one to just waste money. The thought of losing money gave Louis goosebumps that wouldn't go away without sleep, and the discomfort from the fear made it so he couldn't actually fall asleep. It was never ending cycle of shaking from chills and wishing he could just close his eyes and it would all go away.

Louis sighed when he walked into his apartment and everything was the same as it was before. Just no longer dusty or grimy. He threw his duffel bag onto the couch and shut the door behind him, the lock clicking shut automatically. As much as Louis tried to make the apartment comfortable, nothing seemed right. These were all things he had bought when Eleanor was still in his life. The throw pillows reminded him of when they had gone to HomeGoods and Louis had managed to scare his ex-girlfriend by hiding behind the bin of pillows. At first Eleanor had pretended to be mad at him for embarrassing her and making her squeal in public. But then she had picked up one of the pillows to hit him with in and she smiled at it, saying it was the perfect one. His television he had picked out because Eleanor's best friend had said it was the best quality on the market. His furniture, his décor, his whole life felt like it was surrounded around Eleanor and even though it had been months, it still felt like Louis couldn't get over it. 

Louis flopped onto the couch, burying his face into the throw pillow and groaning loudly into it. He could feel tears building up behind his eyes, but he didn't want to let them loose. He didn't want to cry over stuff like this anymore. Sure, he had spent years with this girl who he thought he was going to marry. But after so long, why couldn't he just get over it? Why was he so lame? Louis couldn't think of anyone else who took this long to get over someone. Most of his mates were single, out of recent relationships, and were going out every night and coming home with women on their arms. They didn't spend their time wallowing in self-pity, waiting for something good to come out of life. 

The chime of Louis's phone brought him out of his depressive episode. He sat up and pulled his iPhone closer to him, checking the message that displayed across his screen. 

Did you make it alright? 

Louis let a small smile break his face when he saw the text his mum had sent him. At first, she was quite upset that Louis wasn't going to home for the break. Louis hadn't been home for awhile, because last time he was in London he had only visited for a few days. Otherwise, he spent most of his time off trying to relax and have a little vacation for himself. Even though Louis missed his family, he didn't feel like he could handle them at the moment. He wasn't sure what it was that was telling him he couldn't be happy with them, but it was holding him back from doing a lot lately. 

Yeah, I'm here safe.

Louis sent his mum a selfie in response, as well, a small smile with the thumbs up. He put his phone away in his back pocket and sighed again, looking around the living room. Maybe Louis could spend some time redecorating his apartment. He figured it was time for a change anyways, and the charity shops around him were always looking for things in great condition. He had a few friends who would have no problem helping him keep the donation anonymous, considering the time he had taken some clothing to a resale shop and they sold a shirt to a fan for $500. Since then, he never took his things to resale shops, nor did he ever take them physically himself. Louis didn't like to see people be taken advantage of. Especially the people who gave him his career and life. 

While Louis wanted to redo everything, to put a new spin on life, he wasn't entirely sure where to start. He maybe thought the living room would be a good place, since he would spend most of his time in the day there, writing songs and watching the telly. But Louis didn't even know where to go from there. Did he get new couches first? A new television? He still liked his rug, and it had no ties to Eleanor or his life with her, so how would he end up matching it with the rest of the room? What about the coffee table, did he even need a coffee table? Do you have to have coffee at coffee tables? What exactly was the point of a coffee table? 

Louis closed his eyes and pushed his palms into them. He could feel his breathing starting to stutter and his chest was constricting. Tears were welling up behind his eyes. Louis could hear his breath was coming out shaky, and suddenly it felt like he couldn't breathe. Louis dropped his hands and clutched one to his chest. His chest burned, like someone had started a fire within it. The smoke was starting to billow as he continued to gasp for air. Black clouded the edges of his sight, threatening to make him go blind. Was Louis dying right now? Was this what a heart attack felt like? His heart was pounding, trying to escape his ribcage like an angry animal. Louis started to hold his throat like he was choking. 

He was going to die alone. Louis was going to die all by himself, and he couldn't even call 911 to help. His body could barely move an inch, let alone have the awareness to type out the numbers on his phone. Louis squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to breathe, taking in gasping breaths through his lips and exhaling through his nostrils. After what felt like hours, his lungs were gathering air easier, no longer squeezing around nothing. His heartbeat was no longer jumping out of his chest, calming down to a dull thudding in his ears. After a few minutes of breathing normally, Louis finally opened his eyes and looked around his apartment. He thought, a for a moment, that he would wake up in a hospital bed. Maybe he would have passed out and gone into a comatose state. But everything was still where it was before. 

Louis sat up slowly, still worried that he could, at any second, go into another episode. His hands were shaking as he felt around his body, checking to make sure he still had all of his limbs and was in one single piece. When everything was fine, Louis ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. 

What was that?