XXXXX,
Moving forward, I feel it necessary to convey this message to you. It is important that I leave nothing out, just as it is important that you understand every word. I need to let go of all the weight that this has caused me. I need to breathe again, this being the only way I see fit.
Have you ever looked at a person and seen everything good? Looking past every flaw, every fault, every mistake. Seeing all of the hurt, the hurt that they may not speak of. All of the pain, endured, inflicted or otherwise. Watching the light flicker in their eyes far behind the iris when they laugh, or get excited, or happy. The fluctuation in their voice when they get upset or angry. Knowing that they weren't okay all of the time, but it never determined their heart. Knowing that their life wasn't the easiest but will stop nothing short of greatness. Knowing that they showed up for you one hundred times, and would do it again because that's the kind of person they are. Their success, their accomplishments bring you genuine elatedness. Have you ever loved in its purest form? I have, but it broke me.
I'm not exaggerating when I say there are at least 10 rough drafts of this exact letter stashed somewhere in my phone. I'm also not exaggerating when I say it's taken me three years to send you this letter to begin with. I could say that I was scared— because I was, but really I'd been looking for the perfect words. To be completely clear, if I could change the way I felt, I would. If I had the choice to turn off my emotions, I would, but I can't. Which leaves me with one choice; addressing it.
I am in love with you.
Six words I thought you would never hear from me, let alone read. Though you thought I liked you— what you had rightly assumed was past tense, is actually present tense and much more abundant than I cared to admit. For so long I imagined that you would find everything out & cut me out of your life. I imagined you would think less of me. I've always respected you, but after you figured out how I felt the first time around, seeing you want to get to the bottom of it all made me respect you more. I should've been adult enough to tell you exactly what I was feeling in its entirety, without getting other people involved. I just wasn't. With all due respect it is not an easy task. You don't know how it feels to love unrequited. To know that you'll never be enough for the one person you want, regardless of how much you change. To constantly ask yourself, "Why am I not enough? Why her & not me?" is a pain I pray you never encounter.
Everything inkling in my body is telling me to never, ever send this letter. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit, but my mental health has suffered for long enough. Full transparency, I'm not sure what I'm expecting you to think. I'm not even sure you'll holistically comprehend what I'm saying, but my thoughts are just that. Mine. They should not control me. You were not the start of my world, nor will you be the end.
It was not my intention to write a book, so I'll wrap it up.
On 10/19/20 I wrote, "The attachment to an old flame that could never love you completely, never properly anyway I never understood. I live in a world where everyone settles. Where he pines over everything I am not. Where I loathe everything I cannot be. Trying to pick up the pieces to create a mirage of something worth caring about. The basis of emotion is scary. It is either pure, intention-less or it is fueled by needs. I need you, yes. But in the purest form. I need you to ground me, to pull me back from the incomprehensible madness that is my thoughts. I need safety. But more than that I need to be able to give you everything that you need. Even still, I've embarked on building something that I felt you were capable of understanding, caring about, and in the long run— maybe even loving. I was wrong, so I live with that travesty. I should've been building something I am capable of loving first."
You were the flame that never stopped burning, no matter how hard I blew. XXXXX, someone once told me, "love is worth the inevitability of loss, it is not until you lose it that you truly value it."
Dare I dream you feel the same way, worthless as I know my feelings are nonpareil.
In this, I'm taking time away.
-X
CONTEXT: Unrequited love, a love I had to let go of in order to really heal. I wrote down how I felt and then sent it in the mail.
YOU ARE READING
& So It Goes
RandomNO TABLE OF CONTENT; JUST CONTENT There is no particular order in which these pieces are to be read. This is solely a collection of my thoughts, works, words and pieces.
