have i made a grave mistake?
in a household of toxicity and muted expression,
i fear i have found other ways of achieving validation.
my love, i am afraid that monsters before you have seen more than what is on the surface.
the sight of my thick skin that bleeds for words of phony affirmation.
why did i sexualize myself for the sake of feeling wanted?
with deep regret i live on with that experience, but have boys really changed since then?
i am afraid.
now that i have expressed special intimacy and sexual knowledge with you,
that you will look at me differently.
the reasons as to why i yearn for something purely romantic with a boy,
is that your eyes will become x-rays.
your thoughts will be infiltrated with the image of my naked body before you.
and again that regretful feeling hits.
an awful sensation of disgust for myself and the idea of us connecting in ways other than holding hands.
i am sick.
my love, please understand,
i am terrified.
that your feelings will now be intoxicated with the sin of being a boy,
and the sudden desire to be nothing but sexually pleasured by my tired, aching being.
