Nchive

truth about myself

maturity never seemed a problem to me. only thing troubling me was my own self, which i got to fully demolish and build a new one. from a girl who barely knew anything about life to a woman who fully emerges with her own life.

have you ever asked yourself what you could do if you opened your wings to it's fullest level and let it work? i used to run away from that question which is probably the most expectable action from a human who doesn't really trust themselves. i was stuck in a shell just like an egg yolk. i knew i was the main reason for the things that would happen to me. i'd even dwell on my mistakes and think i could never get better.

i have been heartbroken, but not in a way most people have. i haven't even been in a serious relationship. i can't relate to lot of things but only thing i've started to realize is that im the only one guiding my own life.

if you take things seriously do they really work out or do we pretend they do? i tend to be that way. with a very harsh way of treating myself. taking up too much, way more than i can, but in the end it all works out. results depending on the outcome are main reasons to success. i have not even once pretended that i could do something and then left it in the middle of the process i also tend to do that a lot.

my love life consists of nothing and as a 19 year old i think this bothers me exactly as much as it should. i love relationships, i always did. im just pretending that i don't want to do any of it. deep down, i do. i really do. i want to experience those endless walks and coffee or museum huntings. talking till early morning and then spending rest of the days together. im a human. i need that. i know some people say "you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy " i agree with that i don't think happiness should depend on whether you're in a relationship or not. we as human being are just enough for ourselves but there's specific taste to being with someone in this outer world. it's being so harsh on myself when i pretend i dont want to have one. i believe our lives are what our mindset imagines and as much as i want to be in a relationship, it scares me. trust me, im full of love. i have great parents and friends and i love myself to the fullest but deep down the fact that i can't be loved bothers me a lot. it might seem so easy to some people but for me being in a relationship associates with being devoted and honest with each other. and that's the best thing i can do for someone just for it not to be returned back. see?! that's what scares me away from relationships.

friendships are just as messed up. hate to say this when i grew up surrounded by lovely people who loved me a lot. i never believed that people would change so much. again, my strong belief in humans. if you already guessed yes my friendships are just as fucked up. but i don't really care. i started appreciating being myself more. i go to the cinema alone. i almost every time eat alone. i barely invite anyone to my home even though i live completely alone and i could be doing lot worse things than that. haha i've never been that way. cheers to everyone who is.