You gave me this fucked up world

.

"I can do it, Tina.

I can breathe, smile but can't talk after I put this damned peony in your cold hands. I feel pathological jealousy toward this flower, you take that with you, but you leave me forever alone. I would have ripped this flower on a million pieces of the petals and put that on your cold face, covered your eyelids and mothpink shawl of curves. I don't want anybody to be able to kiss you. I believe that where you'll be, nobody will try to kiss you.

Tina, against of all doubt I can live and I live for you. I live when your body rots in this wooden box under two meters of burial earth, when I with a group of friends eat pizza, play games and watch movies. Everyday I remember you, I remember that I need to call you or invite you to visit our party. I know you hate noisy parties but you love me and are ready to abide that. I hope that where you are right now it's peaceful and you enjoy the silence.

I almost snapped when your parents disappeared. Tina, they didn't warn me, they just walked away from ghostly memories, from you. Don't worry, they're just cowards. But i'm brave!

Every night I sit under our maple tree and understand that I can't put fallen leaves by your collar. It hurts our maple's feelings, it misses you. I hope that where you are right now, you have your maple. Our maple dies without you.

And our cat had missed you. She suffered and died like you after one month. Felicias was killed by a huge heartless freight wagon. I offer to forbid making that car, it kills too many innocent lives. Neither of you; nor you nor Filly don't want to eat, play, care for me and nobody can sleep on my knees. I believe that where you are right now, you have a cat. You love them too much.

You lost our bet, Tina, I have received a football scholarship after all! You need to do what I want, but I can't imagine how you will do it. But you were so honest and always so responsible for your words and actions so you will come up with how to do that. I believe that where you are right now everybody is honest.

I can't stop smoking. I think that it's better to die from lung cancer than to die being crushed by a car. I'll be able to tell something to my kindreds before just disappearing. I can't blame you, my dear Tina, I'm stating a fact. Please, don't squeeze your lips, it's so disgusting, and don't frown. Don't turn away from me, Kitten. Oh, it will be better if I don't write this. I'm sorry.

I met somebody; maybe she met me. Congratulate me, I'm so happy when she is with me. She is the most beautiful of all the girls from our college. She is a blondie, I know you despise these girls but she has a brain and feels something for me. It's real! Tina, this girl is like a dream: clever, beautiful and she loves me. How did she find me? Magic of the football team! I believe that where you are right now there are no guys. And if I am kissing her right now, no dead jerk can try to kiss you.

Tina, I'm so happy! I'm good at all. It's so good, but I start forgetting you. Everyday the pain inside me gets smaller, my heart weakens the grip. It lets the love to a blondie get inside me. I know you need to hate me for remembering you, but I know you can't. You want me to be happy and better; it is life, isn't it? If you could say goodbye and your ghost could come to me, I would hear only that: "You need to live. I love you, you need to live. Don't die with your soul or body". I try, Tina. You can be proud, Christina. I hope that where you are, you can see my life, you can see my happiness.

I believe that you forgive me.

You gave me this perfect word and went away to another one.

I'm grateful and you can hate me for that. You can help me even after you die but I didn't care for you during your lifetime. Please, forgive me. I love you, Tina. I believe that where you are right now you are so happy.

I hope, Tina."

Right now I want to write it on paper, give it a material form. Touch that and rip it on a million pieces.

But I haven't got a pen. I haven't got a paper. I haven't got a table and a chair.

My hands are tied behind my back in a straightjacket. My fingers don't obey me, my mind is drugged by some "medicine".

I hope that you never existed, Tina.

It's my void love.