The invisible illness

My life

I buy the blades in different forms sharpeners,knifes,anything sharp I love the pain of them and how it helps with my issues it feels good like a kill switch for my brain.My father could care less about me,and I don't blame him. But my life got even harder when school started, of my grades I wasn't able to play a sport,but that's okay. Life hasn't been easy but it's whatever. I don't have many friends so that makes things worse.And my best best friend passed away last month so now that he's gone I have no idea what to do. Don't get me wrong i cry a lot but does that make me a cry baby? My dad says so he yells "STOP CRYING LITTLE CRYBABY" it hurts like hell to hear. My father has a lot of anger and mental problems.I get my problems from him.Don't get me wrong I love him deep down,but I also hate his guts. He needs help.His name is Andrew. If you asked me I wish he died instead of my mom,I know it sounds selfish but it's true. I fucking hate him. He's a monster,he's selfish,and deserves to rot in hell. I hope he does rot in hell I'd be happy if he did after the hell he put me through. I was a child,his child, he's supposed to protect me. I basically raised myself. I'm an only child because my parents thought one was good. Honestly I'm glad I'm an only child,if I had siblings they'd have to good through this too. If my mom was alive this wouldn't be happening to me. My parents were divorced so  if my mom was alive I'd live
with her,not this shithead who calls himself my dad.  I've tried to runaway but the cops always bring me back "home".