Life In Its Time

PROLOGUE

Oblivion is neither a blessing nor a curse. Either way, it grants you the ability to forget a painful past. Although some memories are unpleasant. However, you'll never know the level of pain you can endure until you face one. Because whatever pain we feel, we can move on because at some point in our lives we want to forget that painful memory and make the pain go away somehow. Because without oblivion there's no present. I'll say "leave the past in the past for you to be able to enjoy the present because an unresolved past infiltrates the present" But doesn't the past give us a little glimpse of what we might or might not encounter in the future? Doesn't it also have good memories? I then realized that I have to deal with the present to be able to move to the future, there's nothing more clearly than the past. I could distinctly remember that rainy day my Paa died, I was a five-year-old with no sense of what the world is, thus I couldn't understand why my momma was crying so much besides my Paa, who am sure is just asleep. His hands were placed on top of his stomach the way he would when sleep snuck up on him. However, what baffled me was how long he was holding his breath, I'm sure I couldn't hold mine for that long, not even underwater when Maa and Paa were giving me swimming lessons. And it seems we were having more visitors than usual, people went in and out of our house, the food prepared was enough to feed an army, they eat way too much if you asked me. The chaos pointed to one thing, something was amiss, but what? All I knew was my heart felt heavy, It was like a dark cloud was hanging over our heads, not only that. But my Maa held my hand tighter every time I would come near her. She would always hold my baby sister, but for some reason, today was an exception. She had a pained expression plastered on her face, it was like something was hurting inside her body. Despite that, she would plaster a sad smile on her face, nodding her head and muttering a word of thanks.
I didn't understand or feel anything because for a five-year-old I felt everything was normal but for the strange people bawling and wailing in my house. As I grew, I feared that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of fear. The fear of death bugged me every time someone died. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, the nagging feeling telling me it was inevitable, I've hardly just started living, why do feel this way? I knew I feared death, I was terrified of feeling what I felt at my Paa's funeral. Although I wasn't old enough to know how sadness could destroy a person's entire being, I knew that I'd experienced what it means to miss a piece that you knew was there but now wasn't. I constantly felt afraid of reality, so I planned every single day of my life, I want to find out what this fear was but I couldn't figure out what it was. I couldn't, even if I wanted to. Since I didn't want to give in to these fears I had, because it felt like I was drowning in shallow waters - I'm terrified something or someone out there will grant my worst fears. However, I sometimes want to shout out my worst fears at the top of my lungs for them to be known, so I wouldn't always be at war with myself. But when life takes a turn and surprises you, it sweeps you off of your feet and hits you hard on your behind. It breaks you and then watches you take on what you thought was only ever going to be your worst fears. Up in my mind, fighting within myself and satisfied that it's just within me, if it's within me then it's fine. If it doesn't become my reality then it's fine. But then your worst fears sneak up on you and become your reality. It sneaks up on you like time does when you're having a good time. Time doesn't need your permission to take from you, It just takes from you and gives back the harsh cold reality that reminds you that, fear was never far from you in the first place...