Shattered ✓

F I V E

Alexa

I was beyond nervous. I walked inside the school building, my heart squeezing from anxiety. My eyes darted around. I see loads of people in the hallway chatting, but no one that I know. That's a good sign, right? Maybe I won't even have any classes with any of them... I hope. That way, I can just avoid them.

"The fuck?"

I spoke to soon, didn't I?

I slowly turned around to see Blake of all people, staring at me with widened eyes. Ethan was right next to him, eating a bag of hot fries... in the morning.

"Alexa? Didn't you-- what?" Blake said, his eyes not leaving mine. "Ethan," he says to his friend, eyes still on me, "you see her too, right?"

Ethan nods, crunching on his chips. "I'm glad you're not dead, Lex!" he says, his mouth full--that was gross, but I didn't comment. Wait, did Ethan just say--?

"Didn't you try to kill yourself?" Blake asked me bluntly.

A furious blush appeared on my face. He's probably disappointed that I failed, I thought. But I shook my head. "No," I lied. "It's, uh... a long story."

They use to bully me. They thought I was dead. And now we're having a casual conversation. I wasn't going to point any of this out, though. God, I'm too anxious--I need a stress reliever.

"Do you want some?" Ethan asked, offering me some chips. He wore a goofy grin. He's being nice to me. Why? Why is he so... normal? Well, in a weird way.

I shook my head. "No, thanks," I said. I haven't had anything spicy or salty in a long time. Any junk food, really. I don't know how my stomach would be able to handle that.

Blake raised an eyebrow. "You look like you barely eat." And why does he care? "Alexa... what exactly happened? Where have you been? Who are you staying with? Ryder didn't mention anything...."

"That's because he doesn't know that I'm back," I say. "I'm staying with my uncle. He thought that I should go back to school."

"Want me to text Ryder?" Blake asked. He's still being nice. I'm getting suspicious. "I think he'd like to hear from you. They all would."

"No, I'm okay," I tell them. They betrayed me. All of them. At the mention of my stepbrother, I wanted to cry. But I wasn't going to, not in front of Blake and Ethan.

Ethan glanced at Blake and put his hot chips away in his backpack. He was getting serious. "We, uh, know what happened and everything, but everyone feels awful--"

"Yeah, that's nice," I interrupt. Breathe, Alexa. Just breathe. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack or a meltdown. I couldn't tell. I have to get away.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I practically whisper, walking past them.

As I do so, Blake grabs my arm and I hiss in pain. My fresh cuts. Blake let go in alarm. "Shit, you okay?" he asked me.

Didn't he use to beat me?

I didn't say that though. I just looked at him and nodded. "Did you want something? Why did you grab my arm?"

"Uh, well I, uh..." Blake looked at Ethan and then back at me. "It's just uh, it's good that you're back. That's all. And uh, I really do think you should talk to Ryder. He misses you. A lot."

I shrugged. "He'll see me around school at some point. At least he'll know I'm not dead. But, I don't know if I want to get close to him again. Can I go now?"

Blake opened his mouth but then shut it. Once again, he looked at Ethan. "Yeah, okay. We'll talk more soon."

I nodded. "Yeah."

Then I walked away. No doubt in my mind that by the end of the day, Ryder will know that I'm here, either because he sees me or because Blake and Ethan told him.

But honestly? At this point, I won't care either way.

•••

I sliced my arm a few times, trying not to hiss out in pain. I watched as the crimson red trailed down my arm. It hurt, but it felt good. It calmed my anxiety.

Tears leaked from my eyes. When did things get so fucking complicated? When my mom and Andrew got into a car accident? When my dad turned violent? When he remarried? When I started getting close to people?

Slice. Cut. Slice. Cut.

Fuck, I'm in school.

I stopped cutting myself. I couldn't do too much to myself. Not in the girl's bathroom in school. Classes haven't even started and I already want to go home.

I kind of want to die actually.

I'm not going to act on this feeling yet, but man, don't I want this. My last attempt failed, and led me to suffer much more.

Benny.

I bit my lip. What if he finds me? I stared down at the razor in my hand, and then my bloody arm. I can't do too much.

But Benny...

Fuck.

I cut myself three more times and then gripped my razor. No more, not until I get home. I'm fine. I'm not as scared. I'm okay.

I put the razor back in my backpack, my arm aching the entire time it was so sore, and I really hated moving it. But even so, I liked seeing the blood that I inflicted.

I waited a few moments for the blood to dry a little bit, so it won't bleed through my jacket, and then I put my jacket on. When the jacket rubbed against my new cuts, I yelped in pain.

But it's okay.

I'm okay.

The hell ring. It's time to go to class.

I put my backpack over my shoulder and exited the stall. Some girls were coming into the restroom, so I washed my hands. I didn't want them to think that I used the bathroom without washing. Even if I didn't really pee or anything.

I wiped my hands with a paper towel and then exited the bathroom in a hurry.

As I was coming out, I bumped into a body and fell to the floor.

"Shit, fuck, I'm sorry," said a familiar voice.

It's been too long for me to recognize the voice right away, but I'm dreading to know who I've run into.

I slowly looked up. Both of our eyes widened as we stared at each other for a few seconds.

"Alexa....?"

"Andrew?!"