Mugi

II. River Flows in You

Mugi
River Flows in You

Yuru went to our university, saying that she wanted to talk to me. I was in a deep thought that time and was making lyrics for the song we’ll be performing at the music festival. I only have to write the last verse, yet Yuru came, distracting me from my busyness.

I’m not a sensitive person. If I am overwhelmed by my emotions, I just keep them to myself. I only show it if someone forces me to. Yuru, who’s direct as hell, made me spill them. I acknowledge her honesty but her, being blind and stupid about the matter of people, wants me to just hate everything.

She lacks empathy, which I don’t like to have as well. Learning the art of ignorance is not enough to lull my angst against this bitter world. Seeing just one sinned human would make me hate humanity.

I don’t have anything in mind at that time but to end my life. I have planned it for so long and I think that the opportunity has come.

“...they don’t have the will to understand.” It’s the last sentence that I could remember before I disappear. I saw her face full of pity, yet I am disgusted of how she showed ignorance towards it. Since that day, I just hoped that she’ll write a song for me.

You Only Die Once but Not in Hell (the unfinished lyrics)

I have sinned based on human judgments
I have read the Bible, I repent
But what is it that they couldn’t accept?
Is the extremity of my sin beyond adept?

I have skipped the trials, I chose to end it
Self-harm is a crime, but judging isn’t
What is right? What is wrong?
Seeing people do both make them look like a moron

If I do good, it is me who gets hurt
If I do evil, it is them who get hurt

That’s why I decided to be a villain
So free, so selfish, so genuine
Not like the kind who always pretend
Saying that the world is resplendent

I don’t care about being burnt in hell
Over and over I’ll die so well
In fact, heaven would be so dull
Only watching us die over and over

There’s this agreement that would guarantee security
If you do good, you’ll die formerly
And if not, you’ll die endlessly
Well, I want endless death seriously

It’s warm. The cut in my stomach is warm, and it stayed that way when I’m already immersed in the water. But my hands and feet--they were cold. They were cold as if I’m already dead.

I’m going to die. I’m sure of that. I have to. If I don’t, what face would I show to Yuru?

The strong currents brought me to the unknown. I closed my eyes as my lungs started to ache. I don’t want to fight it. I don’t want to swim to the surface and catch air. I will die. I accept it.

“What the…”

I know I already passed that time, but I heard an obscure sound once I felt like someone pulled me out of the water.

“Hey, can you hear me?”

It was a question that goes over and over, and it seemed like the person was performing CPR for me. It was repetitive until I coughed out an amount of water. I breathed air and felt alive again.

“Darn it,” I mumbled as I get revived.

“Are you okay?” A woman who seems older than me was leaning towards me. Her hair was short and dyed red. She looks beautiful, yet I hate her being nice to me.

“You should have let me die,” I said, blankly staring at the sky. I could still feel the cut in my stomach, and it hurts. The woman noticed it due to the bloodstains I have in my uniform. She unbuttoned my blouse and covered the wound with her sweater.

“It’s not your time yet. And I will feel guilty for the rest of my life if I didn’t help you,” she said.

“But I want to die.”

A short silence followed, but I groaned in pain when she pressed the wound in my stomach.

“That’s what they will feel when you do that,” she coldly said. I just laughed it off, knowing that it doesn’t matter anymore.

“Get me out of here before my sister finds me.” I tried getting up with my own strength but I felt drained and weak. I’m alive, yet my body seems dead.

“Why are you running away from her?” she asked, not even bothering to help.

“Because… I want her to realize something. Without me on her side might help her change the way she thinks… that we live in singularity, and life isn’t always about sunshine and butterflies. I want to change myself too. And when we will meet again, she’ll see me stronger.”

It was a long while before she helped me get up and walk. We marched off the river and finally made it to the road.

“We’ve gone this far, yet I still don’t know your name,” she said while we were heading to her yellow jeep.

“You’re not asking.”

“Oh, haha!” she laughed, and it sounded like Yuru’s, “well, what’s your name?”

I whipped my head to the left and saw a wheatfield under the blue sky. It looks calm and serene. I wanted to be like that, I thought.

“Mugi… my name is Mugi,” I answered. She smiled and giggled, “that’s a cute name! Mine is Yurima! Sounds old, right?”

“Yurima? How was it written?” I curiously asked. There’s a lot of meaning behind it, and it only depends on how the kanji was combined.

“Yurima… as in ‘reason’,” she replied.

“You have a lot to reason,” I gagged, but she just smiled and didn’t snicker.

“But I don’t know what reason.”

I’ve realized that behind her smiles were blues as well. She’s like Yuru--so pretentious, and I hate it.

“You know what? I want to be your sister. So that, you can change me as well,” she said, beaming at me. I looked away. I’ve been comparing her with Yuru since I saw her, and her, saying she wants to be my sister made me want to disappear again.

“Just be yourself. I know someone will appreciate that,” I commented.

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