Losing battle

The losing battle

She looks out at the deep, dark, mysterious blue of the sea from the boat as she gets ready to take that last step. Dive weights hang heavy on her waist, so she can sink never to be seen again. Her mind flashes back to what led her to this exact moment she remembers how this became the only way out....
The sound of her inner thoughts can't be drowned out by the music. Slowly she turns it up, louder and louder the music gets so loud her that ears start to hurt, but to no avail. The thoughts only match the music, until all she can hear is the yelling of these dark thoughts. She looks down at the cold, dirty metallic table shes sats at, her book open trying to put these thoughts into words as they begin to swallow her whole. Tears burn to fall yet she keeps pushing them back, so the people passing her by won't see the anguish in her soul, as if it radiates around her like a neon light yelling 'this girl is drowning'. She pulls the sleeves of her long, baggy black shirt down to hide violently shaking hands withpoorly chewed nails, evidence of times just like these. Trying to hide any sign of her true feelings behind her nervous yet kind smile. Acid-washed jeans and black boots cover the parts of her body she detests. Although she feels like this, it doesn't stop the constant whispering in the back of her mind 'You can't even cut or starve yourself properly.' The longer she sits the more she looks for a distraction from her inner torment, she looks at the luscious green of the trees around her 'You don't deserve to be helped,' she studies the buildings and the odd but interesting shapes of the art on the wall beside her 'someone has it worse.' Finally, her body shivers as the cold arctic air seeps through her clothing, giving her the motivation she needs to leave.
The walk back to her borrowed car was long, the upward hills and extensive number of stairs made her lungs burn and her breath shallow. This walk was also an excruciating battle with her mind, two sides split apart. On one hand she should fight for her friends and the other was just a torment of screaming thoughts 'no one cares' was the one that rang the most. Fear filled her heart as she knew she must return home. The last stretch to the car was a walk over the bridge, cars passing below her, in any other state of mind the height alone would be enough to keep her moving fast but in this state her thoughts were more of 'what would happen if she fell off?' 'What would that be like for the person she fell on or got run over by?' 'Would they ever be able to drive or get in a car again?' "No, I must not push my problems on another" she spoke, convincing herself not to let the idea become reality. After the long, strenuous walk she finally reaches the car, hopping in and starting it seems to keep the thoughts at bay.
The drive home was long and couldn't keep her fear away. Her mind filled with anything she could have done wrong that would lead to the yelling and another fight. She pulls up shortly, taking one last deep breath as she walks into her house. Upon stepping inside she hears the voice that strikes fear through her whole body "finally your home, what took you so long!? You weren't hanging out with that group again, were you!? I don't know why you must put yourself in a box, you should just be yourself! I dated a girl once but I'm not bi or pan or whatever I'm just me, when are you just going to be you! When are you going to grow up and stop trying to be cool by joining that LGBTQAI1234568, whatever else group! You can't even be a true member unless you pay the membership, just like church! You're not even really one of them, you just going to end up with a girl because its 'cool'!" She bites her tongue to hold back the tears and the words begging to jump out in an explosion of rage. Her body shakes more, and a plan comes to her mind. 'you could save everyone from you, the lies and the betrayal that makes you, you.' Quickly she makes her exit from her mother, practically running to her room. As soon as the door closes, she lets everything she's holding back go, if you really listen, you'd hear her "you're just a fraud, an attention seeking whore. You should just disappear, no one would care your gone." Her mind comes up with a plan, from how she will end it to what she will write in the note, even the exact time and date it will happen.
Days turned into weeks, weeks to months, the same routine day by day week by week, home – Uni –home, dinner then bed or home – work – home, dinner then bed. Nothing getting better, only worse, the thoughts becoming the only thing in her head, the only thing filling her time. She starts to fail her classes, making her mood only worsen and never improve, she feels more and more like a failure. Even her view on her body got more twisted, she no longer saw her reflection in the mirror, in its place was a disgusting ugly monster. Finally, it was time for her to put her plans into action. The SCUBA trip she planned was all organised and it was time to go, she caught a number of public transport busses as not to leave someone without a car or become an inconvenience. She walked to the boat and hopped on, for the first time in a long time she felt like a weight was off her shoulders.