It was all James’ fault.
If James had not smuggled the bottle of Firewhiskey out of his dad’s liquor cabinet, none of this would have happened.
If he hadn’t made them drink it with him, none of this would have happened.
If he hadn’t drunk so much, and encouraged Peter to match him drink for drink, they wouldn’t have stumbled up to bed and left Remus and Sirius alone, and none of this would have happened.
It was all James Potter’s fault that Remus and Sirius had found themselves quite pleasantly tipsy, all alone and a little bit horny.
Well, actually the horny part probably wasn’t James’ fault. The Seventh Years put the heightened libido down to the fact that neither of them had a girlfriend right now and had made the mistake of discussing said horniness. More specifically, the lack of opportunities to relieve the edginess at the present time given the female of the species’ tendency to want more than a shag in a cupboard.
The aforementioned discussion had led to the flippant suggestion from…one of them (they were too drunk to remember who was to blame)…that perhaps boys who liked boys actually had it easier as they didn’t have to figure out how girls’s minds work in order to get laid. The comment had branched off into a conversation about who they might fancy if they did happen to one day wake up and suddenly decide they were flaming queens.
‘What about John Brown, Pads?’
‘Too many teeth - they’re all crammed in there. I wouldn’t want to put my tongue in that mouth…don‘t know if I‘d get it back. Keith Martin?’
‘Not my type.’
‘We’ve only been talking about this for five minutes, Moony. How can you have a type already?’
‘I just do, and he’s not it. Frank Longbottom?’
‘Too skinny - he’s even skinner than you, Moons…’
‘Don’t call me Moons. Alright, what about Peter then?’
There was a moment of silence then both of them laughed.
‘Alright, so that was a unanimous no…’
‘Let’s just call Peter and James off limits, Pads.’
‘And Snape…ugh! Let’s pretend he doesn’t even exist in this alternative fruity universe.’
‘Agreed. Matt Hancock?’
There was a high pitched giggle.
‘Hancock…’
‘For Merlin’s sake, Sirius…’
‘Alright…sorry. Hmm, he’s not bad looking in a mousy kind of way…he wears a lot of beige…’
‘Hey! I wear a lot of beige, Padfoot!’
‘Yeah, you do, don’t you?’
Sirius looked over at his friend who was sitting next to him on the floor, leaning back against the couch as they talked. His gaze was contemplative and after several seconds of rapt attention, Remus started to squirm and turned his head towards the brunette.
‘What?’
‘You’re not ugly, Moony.’
‘Gee, thanks for the exorbitant compliment, Sirius. Remind me to come to you whenever I need an ego boost…’
‘You get a fair few girls, don’t you?’
‘In comparison to who? You - no. Snape - yes.’
A snort then, ‘I’d date you.’
