At the End of the Dock

Henry, Miles, and James

Rain pours down onto the street on this gray December afternoon and I'm sitting on my couch watching the little plastic Santa sled go around and around atop the Christmas tree. My mind is a big jumble of thoughts that I cannot make sense of so I remove them from my mind and I place them on the couch beside me and I think of nothing.
My mind is reeling with the memory of James showing up outside of Rêvasserie. I hadn't seen him in years, he looked older, more mature... incredible, actually. The thought of seeing him again had danced in the corners of my mind for so long and I had imagined a million different scenarios and conversations, I never thought it would play out with Henry sitting in front of me.
And Henry, God. Henry. So dignified and dark. Protective. Mysterious. Keeping up with him was one of the great marathons of my life, and I never got bored. But he was also very distant and uncommunicative. It always felt like he was throwing a party and I never got the invite but he mentioned it enough times that he just assumed I'd attend. Instead, I would sit at home never quite knowing if he wanted me there at all.
Miles was the party, and I was always invited. He was so much energy and so inclusive and everywhere he went people gravitated towards him, including me. But while I always got an invitation, so did everybody else. There were times that he would look at me like I was the only person in the room, but I could count them on one hand. When he did, I lost myself in those green eyes of his. But those moments were fleeting, few and far between, but I couldn't help it, I was in love with him. And with James. And with Henry.
I stand up and shake my head, trying to clear it. I head over to the wooden bar cart in my living room and start making a cocktail, the gin and tequila are out so I suppose that's an Old Fashioned for me.
Then the questions start flooding me. All the "why's."
Why did James come back? He'd left me for so long, got married! He left me 8 years ago like it meant nothing to him, dangling the prospect of us in the future, playing with my heart like a toddler with a toy. Why now? Why has he suddenly decided now? And above all, why did it have to be when Henry was there! How come Henry hasn't reached out? He knew why I left, why did it take him so long? Why does everything take him so long. I wanted to marry him once upon a time. I wanted him to think faster, be quicker, make decisions. Why now? And why hasn't Miles reached out? Last time I saw him I told him I loved him. Why am I sitting here waiting for a response? He should be at my door telling me he loves me. And Henry should be at my door asking to marry me for God's sake. And James should only be at my door if he's begging for forgiveness.
I sit back on the couch, sipping on my cocktail and pulling the Christmas knit blanket over me. To hell with all this thought. Honestly, I don't wan't anyone to knock at my door.
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.