Burning (911/Lone Star)

Chapter Two "She Left And I Want To Know Why"

Trigger Warning: Detailed description of self harm.

"I'm sorry." Emily whispered, she felt guilty but she also felt abandoned, overwhelmed, angry, hurt and upset. So many emotions confused her and that often caused an episode like that day's to happen, some were worse than others and they knew that. They knew that she couldn't always control how she reacted and that she tried her best and they tried to remember and accomodate that as best as they could.

"What are you sorry for, Emily?" Tanya asked the teenager slowly, trying to get her side of events and an insight of why she had reacted that way. Emily rolled her eyes and balled her fists, clencing them. Emily continued with her rocking and counting, her arms wrapped around her knees pulling them close to her chest, her blanket pulled around her shoulders. The only sound that could be heard except for the puffs of air escaping the two's mouths were mutters.

"1." Emily muttered as she rocked forth and then back again, "2." and she continued with the pattern again. It was a technique that she had learnt, it concentrated her mind on the counting and rocking, allowing time for her emotions to simmer down and for her thoughts to die down slightly. "3." She went on again, Tanya scribbled notes down in her pad, looking at the teenager who was still rocking back and forth.

"Emily, just talk to me hun. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just me, Tanya, your social worker. I'm not going to hurt you, I'm a friend." Tanya spoke quietly to the blonde, but the words just went in one ear and out another. A huff of annoyance escaped Emily's lips, she stopped rocking and turned to face Tanya, she rolled her eyes and then stared at the wall, comforted by the silence.

Even if it was short-lasting.

"Emily, just talk to me." Tanya tried again, despite each effort being rejected, she kept her patience and tried again to talk to the blonde teenager.

Emily was getting more annoyed by the second. "Stop it! You made me forget! What number was I on? I have to start all over again! Stupid Tanya, stupid people, stupid mother." She yelled before quieting down into a mutter, repeating herself over and over again. "Stupid Tanya, stupid people, stupid mother." With that she went back to her rocking, starting over with her counting. "1." She took a deep breath, "2." another, "3." and another breath of air entered her lungs.

The roaring in her ears slowly calmed down and her tense muscles slowly became more relaxed, her breathes were more regular and her heart wasn't banging against her chest anymore. "4." She continued with her counting, Tanya and Michelle had taught her the technique, to calm herself down and give time for her overwhelming thoughts to die down and the person to recognize that, perhaps, they weren't going about what they wanted the best way. "5."

With that, Emily was satisfied, she could never end on an even number, maybe it was her O.C.D or her A.S.D. She didn't know, she just knew it created a tenseness in her chest and a feeling of dread and anxiety that something bad was going to happen. Her counting sessions always ended in a 5, wether that was 5, 35, or even 105, it lasted as long as it was needed, until she was calmer and felt safe.

"I only did it because I needed answers. I just want to talk to my mother. To ask her one question. Why wasn't I good enough? What was it about me that compelled her to get rid of me like a piece of trash?" Emily asked, tears welling up in her eyelids, Tanya nodded her head in understanding. "She left and I want to know why! Is that such a fucking crime?!" Tanya shook her head and made more notes in her little black book with her blue pen.

"Emily, it isn't a crime, no. But it wasn't the right way to go about it, either. You did nothing wrong sweetie, okay. It was nothing about you, okay. Your mother loved you even though she had to give you to someone who could give the care you needed." Tanya told the blonde, with a tone of reassurance in her voice, she shot Emily a small smile and for once, it was returned. With Emily's half smile, but it was still a victory. "I'm going to leave now, give you some time."