BEING ANITA

Softness

You're a crushing bone sashaying in the skyline, brittle tears fading out the first lie / Never knew you could be so you, never knew you could stay so true.

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Song: How Does It Feel, by Avril Lavigne.

She didn't like tying her hair to a bun. It highlighted her big ears. Gwen checked her invisible calendar and sighed. Six more years until her important surgery. For now, she'd have to endure the pain of walking around with those jumbo flaps and dancing at the same time. It was equally bad. Gwen didn't get the point of balancing the weight of the body in pointy shoes, dressing up in pale pink veil, and rotating in the air. It made her dizzy, nauseous. The teacher liked to use the word "graceful", but that was not it. Grace, according to dad, was what God had given humans. And as far as she was concerned, God had not given ballerinas the power of grace since falling butt flat on the floor was more common than doing whatever they were obsessed with doing.

Gwen wanted to quit. The situation was awkward, like angels arguing over a piece of steak. A total nonsense that only made her hungry and frustrated. She was the worst in her class. She'd probably do a better job if she played the role of a crawling snake because she was born to be on the floor. A comfortable, cold, and safe place.

"How was it, dear?" dad asked, sitting next to her and smiling. "Did you make friends?"

Gwen sighed. "I hated it, dad."

"Oh, why so?"

She lost it. "They're so stupid! I don't get this ballet thing, why did mom--"

"Calm down, sweetheart--"

"I can't! It's so stupid, and, and, and I fell many times. I can't stretch as much as the other girls--"

"That's probably because you're a newbie."

Gwen covered her face with both hands, and Octave chuckled. "Gwen, being a newbie is not a bad thing. It's actually the best place to be."

She frowned and looked from between her fingers. "How so?"

"Newbies only get better. In a fluctuating way, of course. But the path is always towards the sky. Every day is a new advancement. It's a very exciting experience, dear. Now, the seniors and pros, oh my, those suffer. Climbing a mountain is easier than trying to live at its peak for decades straight. The only natural path when you're at the top is down. You fall, and that's not so cool. So be happy for now!"

Dad was a confusing man. Always seeing the bad things as positive. Gwen buried her face in her hands and sighed again. "Mom will ask me about it and I don't know what to say."

"Tell her you made friends."

"But I'd be lying! I didn't talk to anybody. I was worried with the feet thing."

"The feet thing?"

"Yeah, this one. Lemme show it."

Gwen got up and took a breath before spinning uncontrollably. When she stopped, the natural reaction was to dad to, go figure, clap hands or say she didn't look so bad. Octave was the kindest man on Earth. But dad made something dramatically different. The man rose from the couch, flashed a smile, and did a pirouette too, saying something about learning from his daughter.

She found someone worse than her. The man fell on the floor and didn't get up.

"Dad! That was horribleee-- dad? Hey, dad-- Dad, what--"

She shook his shoulders, and he wouldn't open his eyes. "DAD! MOM!"

Mom would be back from work only in a few hours. The housemaid had just left. Gwen tried to wake dad again, but he was totally unconscious. What was the right procedure? She remembered watching something on the TV about first-aid, but nothing in the series talked about dad being the real patient. What would mom do? What did the doctors do in moments like this?