Wrong Move

16 - We Are Even

"How is she?" I heard Jade's low voice in the kitchen, thick with concern.

"About the same," came Wren's reply. I curled deeper into the couch, pretending I didn't hear them talking about me. I didn't want to field questions today; I didn't want the tense smiles and watchful eyes. But I didn't want to be alone either.

I'd been a mess for weeks.

Ever since I killed a man.

It was self-defense. I was protecting myself. I didn't have a choice. Huntsman would have done the same to me, Wren, even Casey. He didn't care about anyone else. But I couldn't wash away the heavy numb that had crept into my body. I didn't cry, talk, I barely moved. It was like the violent act had sent me into stasis and it trapped me in this bubble of trauma. I wasn't alone in there; I knew that. There were others who had been there, who had been hurt and destroyed by what that man had done. That Wren came every day to check on me, bring me food and help me made me almost feel something. It was in the early morning hours when the enormity of my actions crashed in on me. Nightmares haunted me, being called "little morsel" and Hunt eating me piece by piece. I woke up with wet cheeks every time and a sore throat. My neighbors had complained, but what was I supposed to say? I was so fucked in the head that it trapped me so much that it felt like my lungs were full of water. Something had to give, but as the days wore on, I was sure it was me who was going to break.

I wasn't strong enough to pull myself out.

I couldn't carry this weight. It was crushing me, slowly but surely. I took shallow breaths, waiting for Jade and Wren to creep in, try their best at coaxing me out. Offer to take me to a therapist, for the hundredth time. I could barely speak. I didn't know how a therapist was supposed to help me.

But they didn't.

Instead, I heard popcorn being made and the sound of someone rummaging around in my cabinets. I chanced a look and saw them both chatting amiably, a surprise, a lopsided smile on Wren's face as he spooned some ice-cream into three tall glasses. Jade pulled some popcorn out and tossed it into two bowls.

"What other snacks are good, Tay? You got some corn chips?" I didn't reply, only narrowed my eyes in confusion. Wren looked askance at Jade.

"For a movie? You heathen." He teased her, and a bubble of laughter forced its way out of my tight throat. Quiet and husky, but unmistakable. They didn't react, studiously continuing with their tasks.

"You're going to have to school your pal, Tay. She doesn't know anything about the right food."

Jade threw up her hands, wandering over and pressing a bowl onto my lap. She parked herself in the single armchair with her own bowl and curled her feet underneath her.

"Sorrryyyy!" she whined, her eyes flaring with laughter. "I'm not an expert like you guys."

Wren sauntered over, passing an ice-cream float to Jade and bringing one over to me.

"What's going on?" I said finally. This wasn't what usually happened when either of them visited. They were so tentative normally, careful not to speak about certain things in case it upset me. Wren squeezed in next to me, even though there was plenty of space on the couch. He unraveled a rug and tucked it over my legs, putting the other half over his. The glass was cold in my hands, the popcorn balancing precariously on my lap.

"Did you know what Jade has never seen Ninja Fighter, Allstar Warrior?" Wren raised his eyebrows and shook his head, fiddling with the remote. The giant TV he'd gifted me flickered on and he sorted through the movies to find the first one in the franchise. "It's a travesty, and I figured we had to educate her. So, we're doing a marathon. If you're up for it?"