Abandon Me

September 9: Don't do any schoolwork✅

In a petty attempt to make Tori resent me, I decided to quit doing any homework assignments. Every little bad thing I did would eventually break her, but I just had to create a few cracks first. I knew that something would make her angry, and I desperately wanted to find it.

Eventually, I pulled her trigger without meaning to. But she still came through for me, and I hated myself for it.

"What the hell?" My focus was suddenly turned to Lily's hand waving in front of my face.

"You sure space out a lot, ghost girl." She gave me a genuine smile, which was confusing.

I stared down at my paper. "You're talking to me? Last time I saw you, I punched your boyfriend."

"He kinda deserved it." She giggled but quit when I had no reaction to what she said. "Plus, you apologized for being rude, so I'll take you up on your offer."

That caught my attention. "What offer?"

"To buy me lunch, duh." She twirled her pencil around her fingers in a way I had only seen Vinnie do.

I seriously didn't think she was going to forgive me. "I just meant the stupid school lunch."

"So?"

I couldn't help but smile. I felt like we had the potential to be friends, and I hadn't actually made a friend since Vinnie, which was a decade ago. "Alright, where do you want to meet?"

"How about over near the vending machines," she suggested as she quit twirling her pencil to do the homework.

"Okay."

I was certainly not expecting that conversation to happen. With Lily, everything was always unexpected.

As I sat awkwardly at the lunch table waiting for Lily, I decided to get out my daily planner full of my goals. One of them said 'apologize to Lily' with an X written next to it. I proudly crossed the X out and put a checkmark in its place.

"Aw, you're writing about me?" Lily said teasingly as she sat across from me.

"There's other stuff too, look at the one for today!" I held the book up to my face, pretending to search for the page so she couldn't see how red I was getting. "Here."

She read it, then asked, "Why don't you want to do any of your schoolwork?"

Realizing I made a mistake, I told her, "It's not really your business. Let's just get our food."

We headed to the lunch line as she replied, "Can't you let your guard down for a minute?"

I stared at Lily right in the eyes. "No."

She stared right back, deep in thought. I couldn't tell if she had given up on me yet. As soon as I lost the implied staring contest, she suggested something intriguing. "Let's play a game. If I guess your number between 1 and 10, I get to ask you one question."

I've always loved a challenge, even if it was a stupid one. "Fine, I have my number."

"Two," she said confidently.

I gave her a surprised look as I paid for the lunches we got. Tori put money in my food account, so it was nice to not worry about lunch money for once. "How did you know so quickly?"

"I figured it was in your subconscious since the date on your goal to apologize to me was September 2nd." She ate some of the fries as we headed to our table.

Lily was tricky, which I found interesting. I couldn't believe she remembered such a tiny detail. "Well, you got me. Ask your dumb question."

She finished her mouthful of burger before she spoke. "Why are you deliberately not doing any schoolwork?"

I decided there was no point in lying. "I'm trying to make my foster parent hate me enough so she'll force me to leave, but she hasn't budged."

She looked at me like I was an idiot, which I guess was partially true. "Why would you do that? Is she abusive?"

"No, I just want my old life back."

I hesitated to take a bite of my burger because I was thinking about what Jay told me. Where else would you go?

I knew I was holding onto a life that I would never see again, but there was nothing left to hold onto. "I'm just being stubborn though," I started to say. "There's not really a life for me to go back to."

"Oh."

I didn't mean to make her feel awkward. "Anyway, I get to guess your number now, right?" I smiled at her, and I made it seem genuine so she wouldn't feel sympathy for me.

"Yeah, sure." She didn't smile back, but at least she started eating again.

I squinted my eyes at her, pretending to read her mind, which made her laugh a little. "Eight?"

"Nope," she declared proudly.

"Damn."

"My turn, think of a number."

I gave her a thumbs up when I thought of one.

She closed her eyes and pointed at me. "Four."

"No," I stated, grinning smugly. "Got a number in mind?"

"Yep."

I blurted out the first one that popped in my head. "Seven?"

"Yeah, it's seven. What's your question?"

I acted like I was thinking, but I knew exactly what I wanted to ask her. "Why were you crying before we met?"

She just stared at me for a second, then took another bite of her burger.

"You said I could ask any question," I mentioned because of her silence. "I admitted something sad, so now it's your turn."

One of the things I noticed about her was that she listened to logic. She was way more reasonable than I could ever be.

"You're right, but there were a lot of reasons. You don't want to hear them all." Her voice got softer.

We both ate a few fries as I thought of how I should put my thoughts into words. The silence was painful, even though the lunchroom was noisy. However, I barely noticed because it felt like it was just me, Lily, and our surprisingly delicious food. "Of course I want to hear what you have to say. I'm the one who asked you the question."

She was trying to hide a smile. Maybe it was the first time she felt heard. I was glad that I could be that person for her, even if I was just a screw-up. "Well, the first reason is because I was scared that I wouldn't be good enough for my cheerleading team. I only thought that because of the second reason though, which is my ex-boyfriend."

I couldn't help but interrupt. "What the hell did that shithead jock say to you? Do I need to punch him again?"

She laughed a little. "No need for that again, it wasn't him. And he's not my ex."

"You didn't break up with him?" I know I sounded protective, but I was just confused. I thought for sure that Lily would dump his ass.

"He's actually not all bad. He was only jealous yesterday because he knows I'm into girls too. I mean, he does the most romantic things sometimes. There's no way I can break up with him." She really did seem to like that guy, which was flat out annoying after how he treated her.

She kept talking when I didn't say anything in response. "Anyway, my ex-boyfriend, who did horrible things to me freshman year, told me that I was basically worthless." Lily pushed aside her lunch tray so she could focus on her words. "He had the fucking audacity to yell at me right before I was going to do one of my favorite things in the world! It's been almost three years and he still feels the need to control me."

Lily aggressively drank her milk, and when she finished it, she opened mine. I laughed and said, "Yeah! Show how angry you are! Go punch that bastard in the face!"

She started laughing too. "I could never. I'm not as brave as you."

Lily gave me my empty milk carton back as I replied, "I'm not brave, just an idiot."

"You're a brave idiot then, Sam."

That was the first time Lily called me Sam, and somehow, my name sounded nicer when she said it.