In Spite Of...

Chapter 5

Imagine this.
You meet someone and it clicks. It's nothing that comes together immediately but it's there hidden behind the crevices of the new acquaintanceship you've created.
Imagine that you're going through a rough patch. That you're lonely despite being around so many people. That you're desperate to finish school so it stops terrorizing you with grades. Imagine that in the chaos you have a light.
That light is the someone you met. He makes you laugh by saying stupid things. Even his own laugh is funny itself. As deep down it touches you softly and makes all the horrible things feel not so horrible.
You're nothing but a kid, growing into the body and mind of a teenager. Everything hurts because you don't understand it. And the one feeling that doesn't hurt comes from him. It's not something you understand, it's something you know is important though.
And as you get older you stay close to him. His the warmth in the cold you've been feeling for to long.
You're a freaking close yet nothing beneath the surface of him can be seen.
Because all you've done is let him make you feel good. Not once have you done the same.
From the start you pushed him into a more confident state. You pushed him out of his shy nature because you knew what it was like to hold your tongue. You were there as a source of comfort until he turned the tables and did the same for you. This was a good friendship, this was what you subconsciously wanted.
But only so much can be taken at face value.
You know how much he loved that piano. Or at least that's what it seemed like.
Everytime he told you about his dreams. Everytime he told you about his father's expectations of him.
Everytime he boasted about getting better.
Everytime he never faltered in the face of disappointment.
It was all something you could admire. Something you felt good about. Because you were helping, finally doing something.
But how could you not see his hurt? Why didn't it occur to you that he was splitting from himself? Slowly tearing apart as he became the version everyone made him out to be?
Why didn't you ask him what was wrong?
Was it that appealing to be the one pitied? Did you not want to share that space just for attention? You loved to cry didn't you? Be a baby? A drama queen? You loved being asked about all the things deep in your waters hm?
How inconsiderate you were.
How shameful of you to let him turn out such a way.
How could you force yourself to let it get that way?
Maybe you were too blind to see what was in front of you because you couldn't bear to see it.

...

...Now imagine this...

Imagine all the good times again. All in a cup, a red one. Just like the ones the both of you drank out of at all those highschool parties. Imagine how drunk you'd get before him so he'd have to take you home.
The excuses you'd make so he'd have to carry you. The way your heart beat increased being able to touch him.
Imagine all of that. All the little things you wanted to do but couldn't because of the boundaries.
Imagine how scared you were realizing what a crush was. Seeing how most of the girls your age had to approach them. How careful you had to be to keep him from finding out. Because the fear of rejection was for worse than anything you could imagine.
And picture your disappointment in seeing him start dating. Seeing as girls came and went one by one week after week. Because he was handsome. He was cute. He was charismatic.
Because Clark was a prince.
No longer the shy little boy who was shorter than you.
No.
Clark towered you now, always carrying himself in a refined manner. Always making sure to look his best to keep his reputation clean.
And just imagine how it felt to think that all on your own.
To think you were a speck of dust on his preppy jacket.
How embarrassing.
That's how you'd interpret it because that's how the girls in your grade saw you. Always hanging around Clark when you knew he was far to good for you to hang out with.
They laughed and whispered and it was all he worst. It wasn't what you wanted at all.
So you slowly, gradually stopped hanging around him. And it hurt more seeing he didn't fight to keep you around. It hurt because he didn't care. It was to obvious to not see that.
And with a short amount of time alone. It became clear that you were getting sad again. That there was no more of an outlet. No more of Clark to put your heart into.
But things took a turn.

...

... remember it.

The third year of highschool. Close to finally being done. The time where you finally grasped some sense of reality. The time where life became that outlet for our.
Remember all those notbooks you kept piled into your drawers. The stacks of note cards you filled with crappy poetry.
Remember them. They were all those negative feelings out to paper. Poured out so you could make yourself feel holy for once.
Just think about how they helped in that time.
And remember how you'd made new friends. How you learned to smile more. Forget the negative and embrace the positive.
And remember when things came back to noma.
When Clark finally looked you way again.
When his gaze turned from friendly to loving.
When he started to find you prettier than the many girls he'd been with.
Imagine how wonderful it had felt.
How real it was.
How just in that year you'd finally felt like you were worthy of him.
And remember how happy you father was when Clark took you on that one date. The one where you went to watch old timey movies at a drive in theatre. When you shared snacks as you walked through the street lit areas together. How they world wasn't existent anymoe with Clark around.
Remember when he touched you. All the places you knew weren't supposed to be seen by someone you didn't plan to marry. At least that's what your been told time after time. And at this point you felt like he just might be the one for you.
With all the things you let him do. All the things he said to you. How he'd repeated that your skin was smooth and clear, how you looked so much more angelic beneath your clothes. All the ways he held you like he thought you would break. Like you might disappear if he didn't.
Remember when he called you his girlfriend.
Remember when you believed you'd fallen in love.
Imagine how perfect everything else was then.
Before it came crumbling down.
Because you believed to easily.
You let the good things stay for to long. You blocked out the signs, they were loud but you were louder.
And when he used you to meet someone else it stung.
And as the repercussions revealed themselves it hit not only you but your father.
Because as the principal he was liable for many things.
And your deliberate decision to do as Clark asked only made things worse.
So much so that you were forced to leave home. Alone. No father to take care of you. But just yourself.
Because in the beginning that's where you'd been.

And...and in spite of it...

You can't escape the reality.

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Author Note:

Hello, if you've made it this far I would like to say thank you for reading. I'm putting some strong feelings into how I craft the story.
Please leave a like or a comment on both. Any compliments or critiques and suggestions are welcomed.