A Heathers Incorrect Quotes Collection

our love is god, let's go get a slushie

JD: Every time I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Ram: Okay, but what is updog?
Duke: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Chandler: No, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Martha: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Kurt: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
JD: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Chandler: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Duke: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Ram: What's a henway??
JD: Oh, about five pounds.

Chandler: You have Crayons?
McNamara: Yes, I have—
Chandler: You're— how old are you?
McNamara: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

McNamara: Hey, Heather you're smart, tell me what would happen if I chugged 3 gallons of chloroform.
Duke: Have you ever been to a mortuary?
McNamara: Yeah, my grandma lives there.
Veronica: That is the worst response to that question.

*The squad is over at JD's house*
Chandler: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
JD: ... N-No...
JD, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Chandler, motioning to his kitchen: Three, I thought!
McNamara: I see a-
JD, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Chandler: Oh, well I-
JD: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
JD, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Duke: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Veronica: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
JD: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
JD: I am someone who owns four ovens...
JD, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
JD: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Martha, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
JD:
Chandler: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
JD:
JD, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

JD: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Duke: The whole "childhood wonder" stage just blew right past you, didn't it?

*Duke rushes by with an armful of water bottles*
JD: What's going on?
Veronica: Heather wouldn't drink water.
JD: ...And?
Veronica: And I asked her how fast she could chug an entire bottle.
Duke, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!

Martha: What are you writing?
JD: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
Veronica, looking over JD's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

Kurt: What time is it?
JD: I don't know, pass me that saxophone and we'll find out
JD: *BLASTS the saxophone*
Chandler: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING
JD: It's 2 am