Scar Tissue 2.0

Christmas

Draco closed the envelope containing his letter to Pansy. She had left a week ago now and he had made a point of letting her know how dreadful his time was without her. The next morning, she would discover his gift and his letter, and he hoped she'd get how truly sorry he was for his behavior lately. He couldn't outright spell it out, it was beyong him. Writing "I'm sorry" was too complicated, it would force him to face the secrets he was keeping from her, when he knew everything about her, when she was open and probably wanted nothing more than Draco reciprocating her trust.
     He left the Slytherin common room and walked in the dimly lit, cold corridors of the dungeons, until he reached Snape's office. He knocked, which was rather unusual as he was often brusting in.
     "Right on time," Snape said when Draco walked in.
     "What can I say, I wouldn't miss it for the world."
     They both approached a fuming cauldron and Snape filled up the cup for his godson. Draco turned, hearing footsteps from beyond the door, away in the corridor.
     "Never mind him," Snape said coolly as Lupin entered the room. Draco still hadn't said a word to his teacher ever since the Boggart incident, and he wasn't planning on changing his mind, even if they were about to be stuck together for the night.
     Snape filled a second cup to give to Lupin and they both drank the entirety of the stomach turning potioin. Severus observed them grimace the exact same way, stopping their gag and forcing their bodies to accept the beverage. "You shouldn't waste any more time," Snape commented, more to Draco than to Lupin.
     "Yeah, I know, I just need to post something," he said, indicating the envelopes in his hand. He turned right away to leave under Lupin and Snape's gaze.
     "Thank you, Severus," Lupin said quietly. He handed him back the cup and seemed hesitant to continue. He started turning around but stopped midway, facing Severus again. "Did you get a chance to discuss his Boggart with him?"
     "I certainly tried." It was enough to know that Draco hadn't been inclined to having this conversation. Snape had been surprised to see him stand his grounds at the time, even if emotional. He was growing up and he knew that sooner or later, some things were going to become awry. He was still on the lookout for his own identity, for his place in this world, torn between his beliefs and who he had no choice but to be. Decisions were to be made, paths to be taken, and Snape was anxious to witness where they would lead Draco Malfoy.

After having sent his letters to Pansy and his parents, he met with Snape again, in front of the castle. They took off without a word. They stopped in front of the huge tree, its branches covered in snow. Draco observed it, the cold biting his cheeks, his nose and ears. He liked the calm of the empty, silent grounds, and feeling the fresh air on his burning skin.
     "Well, Merry Christmas I guess," he said. Snape was staring and met Draco's timid gaze, but again, there was no more exchange than this. Draco left for the passage, alone.
     Lupin was already inside and every step was leading him to a conversation he didn't want to have, to a transformation he didn't want to live, and to a morning he didn't want to wake up to.
     Lupin was obviously waiting for him, as he stood up from the mattress as soon as Draco entered, which only annoyed him more.
     "Draco —"
     "Don't," Draco interjected. "I'm not sure what gave you the impression that I wanted to talk to you, but I don't. If you think having me cornered in her will change that, you're dead wrong."
     Draco sighed and went to stand in his usual corner. Lupin had been very uncomfortable about that, even if he didn't propose the mattress back. Draco didn't seem to care one bit about his comfort, probably because they didn't have any when they turned. Draco mumbled to himself and Lupin heard every word distinctly. "Best Christmas ever..."
     "Is it the first time you're spending Christmas here?" Lupin asked, sitting back down. The look Draco gave him was priceless as Lupin was visibly ignoring everything he had just said. He wasn't expecting an answer, but he knew Draco had more pent up anger than conviction. And Draco knew what Lupin was truly asking. It wasn't about his first Christmas at Hogwarts, but about his first Christmas in the Shrieking Shack, his first Christmas turning. "I remember my first one here, it was in my second year. Pretty boring."
     "Yeah, well —" Draco started, staring at the wall with unrivaled determination. "Whatever."
      Yet, after a minute, he looked back at his professor.
     "Did your friends know?" He asked, before he quickly added, "Did you have friends?"
     Lupin let out a joyless chuckle because of Draco's tactless and clumsy curiosity. "I had friends, yes, thank you," he said, James, Sirius and Peter flashing through his mind. "Some of them were really smart, too. I didn't tell anyone, they didn't need me to, they figured it out." Draco was looking at him with awe, apparently over his previous feelings about talking to him. "It's a wonder, to me, how no one around you has found out yet," — Draco shrugged, even if he was wondering what excuses his friends were making for him when he disappeared each months — "I thought... Well, I believed they would abandon me. Who would be friend with a monster? Who would want to be around... something like me, when I couldn't even stand myself? But they stayed, they supported me, they helped me as much as they could... I had some great times," he explained, scaring Draco with how similar their experience was. Lupin's loneliness and sadness got a hold of his tone as he continued, "Anyway, we were separated eventually, some time after we left Hogwarts..."
     "It's never been the same since, has it?" Draco asked, a shiver going down his spine as he now wished Lupin would meet his eyes, would contradict him.
     "It hasn't," his professor agreed, granting him half of his wish, only for Draco to discover all the terror, the doubts and the lassitude his eyes could hold. Just like him, Lupin was lost, didn't know what the meaning of his existence was. What was he living for, if not to suffer? "Nothing can change what wa are, pretending otherwise wouldn't be wise. Lying to ourselves would be foolish, it would only accentuate the pain."
     "But facing the truth doesn't make it go away..." Draco said quietly.
     "Nothing will."
     "Absolutely nothing... wille make us feel any better, will it? Nothing. I've seen your Boggart too, and you face it but... What good does it do, really? You keep saying that you want to help me but —"
     "I think we've got an opportunity here, to —"
     "— but there's nothing you can do. You want me to talk about my feelings? What good is it gonna do?"
     "I just want to bring you piece of mind."
     "Oh yeah? How long's it been?" Thirty, thirty-five years?" Draco asked.
     "Let's not get carried away... I was bitten twenty-eight years ago."
     "Well you look forty." Lupin was visibly shaken by the words but knew how true they were, and what it meant to the boy. Lupin was a reflection of his future and his fears. "Is there... is there anything, in twenty-eight years, that you've been looking forward to? 'Cause it's been four years and personnally, I still haven't found anything."
     Lupin didn't even have to think about it. "Maybe it won't be much to you, but I'm happy here, at Hogwarts. I get to teach and call it a home. It's more than I've ever had these last few years. I just wish you could find something like that."
     "That's not your place, you can't just waltz in here and get to play the hero, trying to rescue me from my own life."
     "That's not what I..." Lupni began, looking away. The gravity of Draco's words was shaking him to the core, and the boy suddenly seemed more mature than he should be. He knew why, of course. Still. He stood up. He wouldn't be defeated. "I can't be a hero, I'll never be a hero. I don't want to be a hero. And I don't want to be yours. I can't force you to look for something you're constantly running away from. I just want you to understand that you can also let it come to you. You don't have to push everybody around, or away for that matter. It just... kills me, having to sit back and watch you go through all the pain I've experienced."
     "It kills you? It kills you? Well me too. People keep asking me how I'm doing and I say that I'm fine, but that's only what they need to hear. They don't need me to complain, they need to think they've done everything they could, and that they've helped. It doesn't matter if they genuinely want to, because they know they can't. You know you can't. You can't reassure me either, so I won't reassure you. I'm done doing that. I'm done." He had to pause, his breath shaky as he tried to hold the last bits of his composure. "And now, only now, you wake up and you look forward to work... Well, when I wake up, I wish I was dead."
     Stunned, Lupin didn't dare say anything else. He could barely allow his breath to join Draco's, he could barely allow himself to be in this room. The boy walked back, resting against the wall, slowly falling to the floor, tears rolling down his face. He couldn't stop hsi sob, his chin from shaking, his body from abandonning the fight.
     It took a while for him to calm down, to try and catch his breath, to wipe his tears with the sleeves of his jumper. His cheeks had the reddish tint of his panic, his forehead the sweat of his anger, and his eyes the desolation of his internal ordeal. He pulled on his turtleneck and Lupin finally approached, hearing how chaotic his breathing still was. Draco tried to fight Lupin's hands away but his professor had no problem grabbing Draco's. They were wet with tears, weak with his fatigue, and Lupin slowly, easily brought them down to the floor. "It's alright. Just... Breathe, slowly, take one big gulp," he said, inhaling deeply himself. He exhaled with Draco, and they did it a couple more times. "Just like that... Keep going," he encouraged him. Draco closed his eyes, the back of his head resting against the wall as he kept on going with the exercise.
     He wasn't opening his eyes again and for a brief instant, Lupin thought Draco had fallen asleep. But the boy finally hung his head, his hair hiding his eyes. Lupin saw tears crashing on the wooden, dusty floor, and he softly placed his hand on Draco's head. "Just breathe," he whispered.
     "I'm sorry," Draco let out, the words strangled in a noisy sob.
     "Don't be," Lupin said, pressing his head, "don't ever be. Just breathe."