Scar Tissue 2.0

She Knows

"You heard her, how she demeaned us. What's wrong with Ron or Neville? She called us scum, Hermione," Harry said as he put food on his plate.
     "Yeah, I heard her too. Clearly, she didn't know we've been talking. I told you he didn't plan anything against me, or he wouldn't have to hide it from her."
     "Yeah, and you heard how he yelled at her. Good friend, he is."
     "You don't know anything about him," Hermione mumbled and Harry, done with her behavior, almost slammed his fork on the table.
     "That's enough, Hermione, do you hear yourself?" She sighed. "I still don't get why it's so important to you. If you want me to, maybe you should tell me what's going on. But just so you know, he's not going to turn his back to everything Pansy talked about just for you, you know."
     "I know that," Hermione said quickly, hoping her cheeks weren't turning pink.
     Harry paused, observed her for a moment, making her uncomfortable.
     "What?"
     "You're not hoping he does, do you?"
     "Why would I?" She asked, still sounding offended. Yet, there was something off about it.
     He seemed to be about to ask something, but he didn't. He stared, still, and she knew he guessed the true wishes of her heart.
     Ron sat down next to Harry and the matter was dropped. Hermione got back to her plate, and Ron didn't talk to her once during the feast.

When the Gryffindors went up to their common room, Hermione went into her dormitory alone. She closed the door behind her and sat down on her bed, next to her cat, a shaky breath leaving her lips. She needed a break. Just a small one. She just needed to recover from that day, and all the others before this one.
     She knew there was too much truth to Harry's remarks. Of course, Draco wouldn't leave everything behind for her. Obviously. Besides, he wouldn't fall for her, ever. She couldn't remember when she started thinking about him this way. She couldn't tell when she had started to obsess over him, to look forward to their secret meetings in the library. It was ridiculous. She was, just like Harry, shocked about her behavior, if she had to be honest. Draco was, and had always been, so contemptuous. She couldn't let herself fall for him even harder than she already was. But how could she break her fall?
     Her gaze drifted to her pillow. She removed her cloak and lay on her stomach as she grabbed her notebook from under the pillow. She smiled as she held it. She hadn't seen his drawings right away. Not before the next History of Magic class, not before she opened it again. She wasn't expecting anything, and she was certainly hoping he didn't bewitch the book or do something to her notes. But he didn't. Well, he did something, but it was something that caused absolutely no harm.
     She opened the notebook and her smile grew wider as she stared at the title page of the first chapter they had started with that year. After having them study and write an essay titled Witch Burning in the Fourteenth Century Was Completely Pointless - discuss , Professor Binns had talked about it at length with his class. Hermione observed the caricatural drawings moving on the page. Draco had drawn a couple of witches tied to wooden poles on each side of the sheet. Under them were piles of wood and straw burning. The witches were contorting with laughter and, a couple more witches were flying back and forth on top of the page, wands out, making rain fall from dark clouds. The scene kept repeating. The witches kept laughing continuously but the rain would stop falling and the witches on their brooms would make it fall again.
     She skimmed through the notebook. While he hadn't done something on every page, there had been a few surprises the first time Hermione had looked at every single one to check what else he could have drawn. He mainly took care of the title pages but, when he found something funny to draw, he would add characters above or next to some paragraphs of her notes. He must have had time on his hands, given her extensive notes and how boring he probably found the class.
     She jumped with surprise when the dormitory door opened and she flung the notebook back under her pillow before she turned to discover Ginny.
     "Hey," Ginny said. She had seen, of course, Hermione could tell right away by her expression. "Is this a bad time?"
     "No, no, not at all," Hermione quickly said, sitting up again. Ginny approached and allowed herself to sit on the bed next to Hermione's so they would face each other. She kept glancing at the pillow and Hermione hoped she wouldn't ask any questions. "What is it?"
     "I just wanted to know how you were doing..."
     Hermione didn't expect her concern to have this effect. A weight was lifted off her shoulders, and Ginny's genuine interest almost brought her to tears, which the red-head noticed too. She quickly left her spot to sit next to Hermione and grabbed her hands, holding them tight.
     "You know you can talk to me, right? I won't tell Ron anything... I saw you at the feast, and I know he's still mad, and I just... I just wanted to make sure you're fine."
     "I'm not," Hermione breathed out. She almost didn't believe it herself. Ginny's hands became tighter around her fingers and she reciprocated the grip. "I'm really not. This is too much for me..."
     "What is?"
     "Everything... The classes, your brother, Harry... my feelings..."
     "Your feelings?" Ginny asked, getting curious by the second.
     Hermione shook her head quickly, "I'm just confused I think. Well, I don't know. I'm not sure, I can't be..." She dared a glance in Ginny's direction and was plagued by guilt. "I can't talk to you about this," she said quietly, "it wouldn't be fair to you... not after everything he's said to your brother... or after what happened to you."
     "What?" Ginny asked in the same tone. "You're starting to worry me, Hermione, what's going on? You can tell me anything."
     "Can I, really?"
     "Of course, you can. I'm your friend."
     At that point, Hermione didn't know if it meant anything anymore. She got one of her hands out of Ginny's grip and softly patted Crookshanks on the head. She so wanted to tell her everything, to empty her chest of all these contradicting, torturing feelings and ache.
     "I can't tell you everything," Hermione said, and she felt her chin shake at the thought of Draco's terrible secret, "I'm not allowed to say everything... Or, I won't allow myself to say everything."
     "It's alright, you should only talk about what you're comfortable with... But if it can help, you shouldn't keep it all in..."
     "Alright. So there it goes," Hermione said. She breathed deeply, exhaled the same way. "There it goes," she repeated, nodding. Ginny gave her the time she needed, almost afraid of what Hermione could be hiding. "I've been talking with Draco Malfoy."
     "Oh," Ginny said. Then, something hit her. "Oh."
     The girls looked at each other, and neither could say anything else for a moment. It was uncomfortable, Hermione wanted to justify herself but she knew she couldn't, there was no excuse, and Ginny simply didn't know what to say. While it hadn't been as terrible a revelation as she started to think it could be, it wasn't nothing either. It was big. It was huge. She knew the number of reasons Hermione had to be anxious, to be feeling bad about it. Ginny didn't even know what to ask first.
     "How did that happen?" was what slipped out of Ginny's mouth.
     And at that moment, Hermione understood that Ginny wasn't judging her.
     "That's it?" Hermione frowned.
     "What do you want me to say? I told you, I'm listening..."
     "But... After last year..." Hermione stammered, trying to formulate her thoughts, and Ginny interjected.
     "Believe it or not, but I don't confuse Draco with his father. It's not to say he didn't do anything to us. Especially to Ron. But I also know you... there must be a reason, I mean... there's no other way around it. So, I'm listening."
     Hermione felt so relieved. She observed Ginny, whose experience had made her mature so early in life. She smiled sadly at her and she tried to keep her chin stable this time, but she just couldn't.
     "I don't know if you remember what happened at the first feast of the year?" Hermione asked. Ginny thought about it and when it came back to her, she nodded quickly. "I wondered what was going on. Obviously, I wasn't going to go and ask him, I didn't even think I would try and find out. I mean... It's Malfoy. I shouldn't have even cared. But... We ran into each other at the library, let's say, and... I couldn't help but ask some things."
     "Like what?" Ginny asked, already absorbed by the story.
     "I asked him if he was sick. I don't know if you've ever noticed but—"
     "Everyone's noticed, Hermione. Last year, I heard there was even a bet organised by fourth years from different houses about what was going on with him."
     "You're kidding..." Ginny shook her head and Hermione looked down. If Draco knew this. She sighed. "I've figured it out."
     "Seriously?" Ginny asked, eyes wide. Hermione nodded.
     "That's what I can't tell you about all of this. I can't. He doesn't even know that I know what's happening." Ginny was visibly disappointed but was respectful enough to not push. "It's a terrible situation, and it's part of why I could bring myself to talk to him more, despite what he's done or said in the past. Even if..."
     "Even if?"
     "I didn't know when... I first started talking to him. I was just curious about him," she confessed. Ginny slowly nodded. She could understand, in a way. "He..." Hermione cleared her throat. She stood up and went to her bedside table. She opened a drawer and got out a crumpled, miserable looking piece of paper that was now neatfly folded. "We were in the library, once again, together, and he sent me this from his table..."
     Ginny opened the paper and her eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "What an artist..." she said quietly. Hermione chuckled and took back the drawing.
     "Anyway, Professor Snape came for him, and I just couldn't help but wonder, again, what was going on... I didn't get a chance to really talk to him that day, he wasn't really nice either. But I just could tell there was something different about his attitude. I don't know if you've noticed but he's not going off on Harry and Ron the way he usually does." Ginny nodded again. "I knew there was something else going on. Long story short but Harry spied on him one night, and discovered some things, he overheard a conversation between Draco and Professor Snape, and all of it... It just rose so many more questions. I can't get into it, now that I know what it was all about, but it was so intriguing... I couldn't stay away. And when I finally realized what was going on... Everything made so much sense."
     She knew her story was confusing, because she couldn't reveal Draco's secret, but Ginny was listening closely to her every word.
     "His behavior, why he's sick, missing classes... why he's so stressed out this year, why he's been acting differently. His behavior the last few years as well, it just... I understood everything. I'm not saying it excuses it, of course, don't get me wrong. But we both know about his family, how he was raised... I keep thinking about how conflicted he must feel..."
     "Just so you know, you've lost me, kinda," Ginny said and Hermione looked apologetic, "but continue."
     "I suppose you've heard about his Boggart?"
     "Yeah... Yeah, everyone's heard."
     "Even that, I know about, now. And... I get it, you know. I just get him. So I wanted to... I don't even know what I wanted, or why I did it. I felt sympathetic, I guess? So I went back to talk to him a few times and he just... accepted it. So... we've been talking. Regularly, actually. We meet in the library... It's not- there's no arrangement beforehand, but... when we're both there, when we're alone... we sit at the same table and..." she couldn't help her small smile.
     "It's hard to believe..."
     "I know. But that's not all, unfortunately..."
     "Keep going!" Ginny encouraged her, hanging to her every word.
     Hermione smiled and grabbed what she had been so eager to hide under her pillow earlier. She handed the notebook to Ginny.
     "Because he missed a class after the whole Boggart thing, I gave him my notes... He took them, and I thought I might never see them again but he gave them back to me and..." She nodded towards the notebook. Ginny opened it and looked surprised again, before she chuckled. She observed the drawing, turned a few pages before Hermione pointed at the few dog-eared ones. Ginny skimmed through those, each title page and a few pages of simple notes having drawings on them. She closed the notebook and inspected it.
     "I see that you've marked the ones he drew on," she said innocently enough. Hermione played with her fingers, biting her lip as she looked down.
     "That's why it's not all, isn't it?" Ginny asked.
     "What do you mean?"
     "That's why you weren't done, that's why your story wasn't finished with the fact that you talk to each other." Hermione went pink in the cheeks. Oh, yes, Ginny knew that look. "You like him, don't you?" 
     Hermione looked down again. "I'm a terrible person," she whispered.
     "I'm not sure why you would be," Ginny commented, handing her the notebook back. Hermione took it and held it against her as she avoided Ginny's eyes.
     "I'm talking with Malfoy. I'm... I have a crush on Draco Malfoy," she confessed in a whisper. She knew, of course, before she ever told Ginny, but pronouncing the words was different. To her surprise, Ginny giggled at this. She crossed her legs and placed her hands on Hermione's forearms.
     "What's about him? Tell me."
     Hermione bit her lips, hesitant, but she couldn't resist for too long. She placed the notebook next to her and sat the same way Ginny did.
     "He's... well. As hard as it is to admit, he's funny... When he's not demeaning, he's funny. He's clever, too. It was weird at first because... I think because I never, ever, had a real conversation with him before, so I was surprised. He knows a lot of things, he talks about a lot of different things, he... We think we know him because of what he shows, but... we don't know him at all. At all. And I like... I like when I manage to make him laugh... I like when he smiles and—"
     "Wow, Hermione... This isn't just a crush. You're going full out..."
     "I'm not," Hermione said quickly, red in the cheeks again. Ginny's expression told her she was lying to herself, in her opinion, and she looked down. "I'm not... I can't be..."
     "You can't or you don't want to?"
     "I think it's a bit of both..."
     "Then why do you keep talking to him? If you know you shouldn't, or if you think you shouldn't, and if you don't want to..." Hermione didn't know what to say and Ginny smiled mysteriously. "You can't, can you? You can't stay away?"
     "I don't want to," Hermione whispered. Ginny chuckled and held Hermione's hands.
     "I'm not judging you, you know. You can't control these feelings... I think... Well, a lot of people would think you can do better than him. I think you're free to do whatever you want. But... I obviously don't know if he shares your feelings, or if he'll ever be allowed to do something about it if that's the case. I don't know what you know, I'm sure there's more to all of it. I just want you to be careful."
     "I am. Or at least, I'm trying to be... Harry saw us earlier today..."
     "Oh no!"
     "Yeah... Pansy Parkinson too, you know, Draco's friend... So I don't know how it'll go now. They're both probably going to keep an eye on us."
     "Did you talk about it with Harry?" Ginny inquired.
     "Yeah, a bit... We didn't fight, so that's something already. But he's really not happy about it... He thinks Draco's up to something, and he can't understand why I'd waste time talking to him, these sorts of things."
     "I mean, can you blame him?" Hermione shook her head slightly.
     "Of course not... I know how it must have looked like, especially when he came in the room... You should have seen Draco." Ginny couldn't help but smile a little when Hermione looked down. She patter her shoulder, trying to be as comforting as possible. "Anyway, he wasn't exactly mad, he was curious I think. I'm just afraid he's going to tell Ron."
     "He wouldn't give him more reasons to be mad at you, I'm sure... He knows how it could turn out."
     "I don't know... Besides, I'm not sure Draco will ever talk to me again anyway..."
     "Why?" Ginny asked, alarmed.
     Hermione explained what she and Harry witnessed while going down to the feast.
     "He has too much to lose. No matter what I think of this whole blood issue, no matter what he feels about it nowadays, if there's any change in his mentality... He won't risk it all just to talk to me. I can always wish, but... Nothing's ever going to happen, and that's probably for the best."
     Draco had lost too much already. He wasn't going to throw away how little he had left just for her. While his parents did keep him in despite the situation, she didn't know how he was treated at home. It sounded like he was still cared for, given what Harry had told her about the conversation with Lupin, but how could she be sure? And she wouldn't give them a reason to completely turn their backs on their son. Draco would never forgive her, and they didn't need the pain.
     She realized that she was thinking way too far ahead. As if Draco even remotely felt the same way about her. Maybe Ginny was right, maybe it was more than some little crush...
     "I'm sure he'll find a way to talk to you. If he really wants to, if there's really something there... I'm sure he will," Ginny said, her hand on Hermione's knee. They smiled at each other. Hermione was definitely feeling better about it all. Besides, nothing was actually going on, and nothing would happen, probably. She could talk about it to her friend, she could let some of it out and relax a little. Everything was fine.