Better than him

Thirty-Nine

My parents decided to cut the vacation a day short so the day after Newyears I was packing up all my things.

I had yet to leave the room, refusing to eat or talk to anyone. I just took a long hot shower then stayed beneath my covers, sleeping until I got the text that we were getting ready to leave.

Once I finished packing I made my way downstairs. My mother was giving Uncle Jeff a tight hug, urging him to get a haircut while my father kindly thanked my aunt for having us.

Seth had his back to me but when he realized I was behind him he playfully shoved me. Although he didn't exactly bring up what happened, I could still see the pity laced along his facial expressions.

My mom's conversation died down as she finally noticed me and she was about to say something but my dad interrupted her, "Alright, we'll call you guys when our plane lands."

He said grabbing his wife's shoulders to steer her towards the door and passed me.

My uncle nodded and gave me a swift hug, "I'll see you guys again on Easter okay?"

I nodded, "Okay."

My uncle patted my head and gave me a kind smile before stepping aside so I can be embraced by my aunt.
"I'm gonna make my special Easter bunny cake so look out for it." She giggled.

Connor was last to say goodbye, pulling me in for a tight bear hug, only letting go when I struggled to breathe.

"I'm sorry," he said and I still only nodded tapping him on the back.

It was seriously messed up that he was apologizing for what his sister did but it was still a little bit nice to hear. It doesn't fix anything though, not when I'm still trying to get the scene out of my head.

If I had walked in on them any later they would've been in bed together. How long has this even been going on? Was it a drunken first-time thing or have they been fooling me for weeks-months. Does it even matter?

In the end I know my relationship is over. There's no way to move past this. I don't want to move past it. I don't want to spend time with the man who'd rather spend time with my cousin. And I don't ever want to see the cousin that chose a man over family.

A boy.

She chose a boy over her family.

That hurts.

We boarded the plane midday and began our flight back to New York. I gazed out the window at the moors of snow stretched across New York.

I've never liked the snow. It's cold, it's insufferable and it's wet.
Practically a triple-threat, but heavy on the threat.

The familiar scent of our house greeted me as we walked in the door. Sage had come back with us since his mom was unable to pick him up at the airport so he supposedly was sleeping the night. Instantly when he got in the house he b-lined for the couch. I didn't pay him much mind and just silently carried my bags up to my room. I don't think I spoke at all the whole ride back here. I just had nothing to say. All I could think about is Jackson.. and how I managed to eat a whole box of cookies in one day. My room was cold when I got back to it
, and the familiar scent of cherry wood filled my nose.

It was a bit of a relief being able to finally come back home. I'm sure a few days ago I would have been dreading coming back but now my house felt like a vacation away from our vacation.

"Knock knock." Seth said, appearing at my door.

When I didn't say anything he awkwardly cleared his throat.
"Excited for school?" He asked, absentmindedly drawing circles on my dresser with his finger.

"Seth, I'm okay." I sighed setting down the clothes I didn't even realize I was unpacking.

"Well I know that it's just, your my sister and she's our cousin and Jackson was your-" I could visibly tell how awkward it was for him to try and comfort me yet I was thankful he was trying.

"Yeah I know," I ran my hand through my hair and let out a breath, "but it's alright, I'll be okay."

"If you ever want to talk to me or anything I'm just down the hall." He said slowly and painfully opening up his arms.

"You don't have to hug me you know."

"Oh thank god." Seth finally said, releasing a huge breath of relief. "I'll see you later, I have a long overdue nap to take."

"Okay." I laughed shaking my head.
One awkward conversation down, two more to go. I'll probably kill two birds with one stone at dinner time.

When I finally finished packing, I bundled up beneath my sheets and pulled out my phone in hopes of finding a good show to get lost in. Maybe I can get over this whole situation by just ignoring it.

The screen of my phone lit up, displaying over a dozen banners of messages from Jackson.

I clicked on my messages not being able to keep myself from reading them.

He texted rows and rows of apologies. Claiming he didn't mean it. She's wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth losing me. She meant nothing. He missed me. He doesn't want to lose me. He loves me. Each message after the next felt more and more like lies, and each one took a stab at my heart.

They felt so hard to believe, like he had played me and was only saying all this just so he could get me beneath his grasps.

I think I'm stuck in the game of tug of war, constantly telling myself that he must have cared about me. We were together for years. But then doubt creeps back in and I'm forced with the reality that he probably never did.

I shut my phone off without a reply and laid back on my bed. Before I could help it, pathetic crocodile tears erupt from my eyes and I'm sucked back into my routine of self-pity.