Dark Side of the Moon

Chapter Five: Oh, but she burns

It was overwhelming for Hermione, having so much attention on her. For his 18th birthday earlier that summer, Harry had taken the fawning adulation of the group in stride, and though he was embarrassed by it there was also a sense of his being used to it by now, especially in the wake of Voldemort's defeat. Hermione, however, was usually much more comfortable as part of a stable of supporters for Harry; operating on the outer edges but not the main focus. It was easier that way.

Tonight was not that. There was a big fuss over her "golden birthday" - turning 19 on the 19th - as there were some magical superstitions about it being the age that marks the fullness of your powers. Though this wasn't the actual day, it was the best the group could do to celebrate it all together, and she felt like she didn't warrant this kind of recognition. It was just a birthday. The real miracle of it was that she'd survived to this point, same as with Harry.

But this summer she'd also become fed up with the perceptions of many people around her, and somewhat even those she had of herself. So many referred to her as a "genius" without recognizing that, while intelligent, what really set her apart was not inherent brilliance but rather the willingness to become brilliant. The willingness to work at it. And in that willingness, she had discovered that she wanted to work toward something more for herself aside from it, too. The NEWTs were of course of utmost importance, as were all her other upcoming classes and attempting to figure out the next step in her future...but maybe even comparatively, for once, she placed importance on finding some kind of happiness; some kind of healing. So much of the last couple years had been about survival. Now it was time to live...and what did that even mean?

She'd started with some material things that she hadn't gotten to enjoy over the past year of living on the run. Started to wear clothes she liked rather than whatever was accessible and clean; started to style her hair with long-lasting potions to feel a little more confident in herself. She'd developed into a young woman now, and maybe it was time to feel a little more like one, rather than just another cog in the wheel of rebellion. She liked feeling feminine; it was something she had barely thought about in a long, long time. It wasn't even about looks, either. It was more about having the time and ability and, hell, even the chance to be self-centered enough to do it. It was the nonchalance of it all, and how it wasn't some life or death decision. It was just a small, simple thing she could do for herself to feel nice, and it didn't have to be anything more.

But she wasn't used to this. The staring eyes; Ron studying her intently from across the dinner table as they all chatted over her birthday feast. What she saw in his gaze wasn't hunger, precisely, but expectation. And she was tired of expectation.

It's time to live, she kept repeating to herself. She'd already done so much, and so little of it had been with herself in mind. Now, she had no desire to live a life that was pre-ordained. The idea of being with Ron felt pre-ordained. She loved him, very much, but she just wanted...more. What that "more" was, she didn't know.

After the meal, some of the group wanted her to open their gifts. Molly and Arthur had given her a beautiful set of bespoke parchments and quills for her letter-writing; Hermione was stunned and moved to see that they had somehow noticed what colors and weights she preferred for both.

"Just remember to send a note once in awhile to let us know how you are," Molly had whispered as Hermione had wrapped her arms around the shorter woman in gratitude.

"Of course I will...of course," Hermione responded, immensely touched. The idea that she could forget about them and their kindness during the busy year was one that hadn't even crossed her mind.

Harry and Ron had gone in together on a magnificent magical tent for Hermione, as a bit of a tribute to their time on the road together. It expanded on the lawn and the boys led her, open-mouthed, through a short tour of the premises. As Harry ushered her inside, he began, "Figured maybe we could have a camping trip together someday again, just, y'know-"