Dark Side of the Moon

Chapter Four: You are only just beginning

The summer wound down into hot, sleepy days and clear, sleepless nights. Lupin passed the full moons locked into the Weasleys' shed, Wolfsbane pounding through his veins and drowning his frenzied mind like a tranquilizer. People came and went from the Burrow all throughout August mostly as they pleased - Bill and Fleur left for a trip to Morocco; Fred, George, Angelina, and Lee headed out to prepare and open the joke shop for the coming influx of Hogwarts students; Harry and Ron often moved back and forth from the Ministry in preparation for their upcoming Auror apprenticeships. However, no matter what, everyone promised to be back together the night of August 31st, both to celebrate Ginny and Hermione heading back to school for their final year and to mark Hermione's birthday a few weeks early. She would be turning 18 on the 19th of September, but as everyone would be busy in their new roles by then - not least Hermione herself, who waved off queries about how she wanted to observe the day with a wave of the hand and a dismissive "I'll be too busy with schoolwork" - it was agreed that it should be commemorated at the Burrow. So, the 31st was the big day, the day before they would all split apart to conquer these new, postwar lives.

Lupin was still uncertain about this "new" life. McGonagall had been sending more and more information throughout the summer about his refashioned position as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, repeatedly emphasizing how important his role would be as Hogwarts was slowly pulled back together. The students needed the comfort a good Defense Against the Dark Arts education would provide; some Death Eaters were still in hiding, and many of the children were still traumatized by what they'd experienced during the Battle. There were fears of returning to the place which they had once felt was so safe, and which had been perverted by evil. Assurances that they would be protected and also be fully able to protect themselves by the end of their studies was what had really convinced a lot of people to send their young witches and wizards back to the school for the fall semester. It was a lot of pressure to fall on his shoulders.

McGonagall had also made some vague and interesting references in her letters that made it appear to Lupin that some other serious changes were being undertaken. She mentioned new subjects being launched with new, diverse teachers; more initiatives to foster inter-House unity; and several oblique hints about the importance of attendees' mental health that made Remus think that some sort of counselor would also be introduced for the students' benefit. It was all very new to him...he honestly couldn't even remember Minerva ever saying the words "mental health" together before in his presence.

But these were extraordinary times, weren't they?

He still hadn't told anyone else at the Burrow that he would be returning to Hogwarts that year along with Ginny and Hermione. Maybe that was because, if no one knew, it would be easier to eventually convince McGonagall that he wouldn't be right for the job and sod off to somewhere else - Grimmauld Place, perhaps - and return to his solitary life. It was easier that way...easier not to face seeing the students, perhaps, which would always force his mind to see himself and his own friends in each of their faces. Hell, it was hard enough to simply look at Harry some days with the constant self-reminders that this wasn't James, and the eyes he was gazing into weren't Lily's. Remus thought that sometimes Harry sensed that turmoil within him, and so didn't try to push for a close relationship as much as he had with his godfather Sirius. Remus felt guilty about that, but Harry wasn't wrong. It was something that Lupin was still struggling to overcome. He loved the boy, but it was painful to be around him for very long.

And it wasn't that he didn't feel a sense of duty, to the school and to the wizarding world - he did, of course he did. But he also hadn't felt this uncertain of himself in quite a long time. Would he even be up to the challenge of teaching students arguably the most important subject they could possibly learn, after experiencing such a massive upheaval?