End where it Starts

Chapter 2

Choice

REST days never felt like rest days when I started reviewing for NCLEX. It is tiring but I am still thankful for it though. I can study for longer hours, and I can cover more lessons than I normally would. 

I keep on telling myself "konting tiis na lang Charlotte, ayan na yung healthcare na pangarap mo kumakaway na sayo"

I planned to study out today for a change of environment. Study hubs are my best friend on times like this, gladly, there are a few study hubs near our house. I gathered my things and immediately went out of my room. I wore a black leggings and a hoodie to be comfortable.

“Ma, labas po ako” Sabi ko nang makita ko si mama sa sala bago ako umalis.
“Saan ka pupunta?” tanong niya
“Mag aaral lang po” maikling sagot ko
“Kumain ka na ba? Baka hindi ka na nakakakain ng tama sa sobrang aral mo ha. Alam mo naman na susuportahan kita sa pag aaral mo pero pag nadadamay na ang kalusugan mo, diyan ako aalma Ivy ayoko ng ganiyan” seryosong sabi nya
“Oorder nalang po ako ng breakfast dun mama, sayang po kasi sa oras”
“Siguraduhin mo lang Ivy, nurse ka pa naman hindi mo maalagaan ang sarili mo”she said, at tumango nalang ako “Ihahatid kita sumakay ka na sa kotse” she added

On the ride to the Study hub I am going to, what mama said was stucked in my head “nurse ka pa naman hindi mo maalagaan ang sarili mo” I am a nurse, and nurses were trained to care for the people, for the patients in need for our care, pero sino nga ang mag aalaga samin? Sino ang mag aalaga sakin? Hindi ko din halos maisip paano ko nagagawang alagaan ang mga pasyente ko kung ang sarili ko nga pati pagkain at pagtulog ng tama hindi ko magawa. Irony at its finest.

When I reached the counter to pay for my 8 hour stay, a picture peeked through my wallet. I got it from my piles of pictures that were taken back then. It is Ella, Violet, and I's picture from our first day of senior high school. Senior high is a whole new environment for me. I don't know anyone inside my class except for Vi and Ella.

"Charlotte!" Kalabit sakin ng dalawa.
"Why?"
"Tignan mo yun oh" sabay nilang sabi at palihim na may tinuturo sa likod ng classroom namin
"Nasan? Sino jan?" I asked curiously
"Ayun oh! Shunga mo naman beh, bulag ka ba?" I followed Vi's finger's pointing at the guy sitting at the back. I think he's about 5'8 in height, sleek black hair, pointy nose, pale but not too much type of skin, chinito set of eyes though he's wearing glasses so you can't really tell, and his aura is COLD.
"Type mo?" I asked
"Cute sya" Vi answered, "but I have a boyfriend na mga beh hindi ako fan ng infidelity eww" he added and made a disgust face.
"You Ella? Type mo sya?" I asked
"He's ok but not my kind of guy Cha, you can have him, kunyari ka pa." She said and pinched my cheeks
"Aray! And sino ba may sabi na type ko sya" inirapan ko sya habang umaarteng iniinda ang sakit ng kurot nya sa pisngi ko.
"Charlotte Ivy, we've been best friends for god knows how long, tingin mo ba hindi ka pa namin kilala? Kahit muta mo kilala na namin" Si Vi sabay irap sakin.
"A basta wala akong sinabi na gusto ko sya"
"Sige kunyari na lang naniniwala kami"

Thankfully our philosophy prof finally came, kaya tumigil na din sila Vi at Ella na kulitin ako. Philosophy turns out to be a little more exciting than what I expected.

"What is love? Is there actually a thing called love? Hindi ba sya concept lang na gawa gawa ng tao?" Our prof asked during the lecture.
"You miss" she pointed at me
"Yes you, the one wearing a purple headband" I was the only one wearing a purple headband inside our classroom so I'm a 100% sure she was calling me.
"I do believe in love po Miss" I answered
"Why is that? Dahil trip mo lang? Would you mind elaborating because in philosophy we do not just believe, we need reasons." she said and crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"The word love is broad. It covers a lot of aspects, like love for family and friends, the care you feel towards them, that's love. Love doesn't always have to be romantic but instead, love can be brought up by so many possibilities." I answered and sat.
"Alright, thank you miss purple headband. What about you? That gentleman at the back" he pointed to himself acting a little confused.
"Yes ikaw po, what's your name?" Our prof asked.
"Nathan Augustine Santiago po miss, I prefer to be called Nathan po"
"Alright Nathan, will you please share your thoughts about love?"
"I also believe in the existence of love, however not with the lasting of it." He answered
"Interesting point, why is that?"
"Love is an effect of hormones secreted by our body. It is a natural function of our body. We feel affection and emotions because our body tells us to do so. Love is always there, but it will always be our choice with how we will express that love."
"Alright thank you so much for that insight Mr Santiago."
" 'Love is a choice' Nathan said, to be able to choose, we have to have a freewill. But the problem here is and was: Are we really free? Or do we really have the freedom of our will? Or maybe things are already predetermined by a greater reason behind mankind"

That question from our philosophy professor during our first day of class years and years ago remained with me. What if I don't really have free will and the choices I made in the past are already predetermined to lead me at this point of my life.

But more than that question, that day marks the beginning of my do or die admiration towards him. That philosophy class drew my attention to him more. I badly want to know why he doesn't believe in the lastingness of love.

People are scattered all over the cafeteria. Lunch breaks are usually crowded but today is something else. I can hear people laughing loudly and girls flocking at the other side of the cafeteria.

"CHARLOTTE!" Violet yelled and pulled me. Nahulog pa nga ang ilang gamit ko sa pagmamadali nyang paghila sa akin.
"Ano ba yun? Bakit ba?" Paulit ulit kong tanong sa kanya na ni isa ay wala syang balak sagutin.
"Aray ko beh ha, baka pwedeng chill ka lang sa paghila sa'kin kutusan kita ng kaliwa't kanan jan"
"Bilisan mo kasi maglakad gaga" sagot ni Vi sabay irap
"O tignan mo" we are already here before I realize that Violet is pulling me towards the flocking crowd of girls at the left side of this cafeteria. And I now know the reason why. Girls were flocking at Nathan who seemed to be peacefully eating his lunch. Nasanay na din siguro, sa araw-araw ba naman na isang daang mata ng babae ang nakatingin sa kanya hindi pa ba sya masasanay.
"O anong gagawin ko? Makikisali ba ko?"
"Gaga, I just want to show you na beh naunahan ka na oh" she said and pointed at the girl who just sat in front of him. Nathan wiped the sauce on the side of her lips. That action received a mixed reaction from the crowd of girls. May ibang nagtiliian sa kilig at ang iba ay kala mo sinasabunutan na nila sa utak nila yung babaeng kasama ni Nathan.
"Should I care ba Vi?" I said nonchalantly
"Pretend all you want Charlotte" she said
I released a sign at hinila paalis sa cafeteria si Violet.

If I am going to be honest, wala naman talaga akong nararamdaman para kay Nathan, siguro wala? Books tell me na to love is something like having butterflies in your tummy, slow motion effect, that everything will blur except from him. I never once experienced it with Nathan so I guess I obviously have no feelings for him. And I don't think I will ever have.

"This performance task will be done in pairs," Miss Marquez, our Philosophy teacher said. I sighed. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko ng kagrupo, mas gusto ko lang gawin ang mga bagay on my own phase and comfort. I am afraid to burden anyone and vice versa.

"Miss Violet your partner will be…" bumunot ng isa pang papel si Ms. Marquez. "Miss Stella" she continued, nag yakapan si El at Vi sa tuwa, sino ba naman ang hindi matutuwa kung naging kagrupo mo ang kaibigan mo diba?

"Next, Mr. Nathan Santiago your pair will be…" bumunot muli ng papel si Ms. Marquez. At this point all I am doing is praying, praying na sana hindi pangalan ko ang matawag nya. 'Lord, ayos na po ako sa ka pair na hindi gumagawa at madaming excuses wag lang kay Nathan' dasal ko sa isip ko "Ms. Charlotte Diaz will be your pair" nanghina ako nang marinig ako ang pangalan ko. Lord hindi po ba ako malakas sa inyo?

I face palmed and looked at my best friends who are now looking at me meaningfully. I know what they are thinking. And no, I don't want to.