I needed to be punished. I had hurt someone. Not physically, but I emotionally upset them and somehow that felt worse.
I had fucked up and forgot to reserve the hotel and me and my friends were now stranded. One friend said she'd sleep in the car and she didn't care. The other though, they were pissed at me.
They started to yell at me and say how upset they were at me. I instantly felt bad. I could see the fire in their eyes, and those flames were angry.
" Hit me." I said, and they looked up at me with a softened face. They said they would never do that. I told them again that they could, I had given them permission, but they refused.
The next day we finally got a hotel and having slept in the car while I stayed up to watch, my friends were rested enough to go out to eat but I claimed I needed a nap.
I couldn't even think of sleeping. Once they left I did something I knew to be stupid, but I had to be punished, and my friend wouldn't do it, so I had to do it myself.
I took a blade from my razor and cut myself. I was surprised at the feeling, painful, but was easing my guilt away for a little bit. I did it a few more times before getting back to bed to act asleep when they got back.
Once back, I " woke up", and my one friend told me that they and my other friend would be doing our plans for the night without me and my punishment was staying at the hotel. I said I understood and they got ready and left.
As did I. I packed up my stuff. Left my friends a note saying I was going home and went and payed for the full stay ahead of time before catching an Uber to the airport.
They never spoke to me again. They were right. I did need to be punished, and what they don't know is that I never did stop punishing myself.
