Edward Snowden, An American Werewolf in Russia

Showtime

After I finish my transformation, I start running on all fours, charging towards them like the animal I am, with a speed that would give Michael Phelps pause. And to think, I got busted out of the army for fracturing one of my legs. If only they could see me now....

Soon enough, I start pounding at them like there's no tomorrow. I start throwing around the ringleader, who is no small fry himself, like a ragdoll, and having a goddamn good time while doing so! Believe me, I watched a lot of professional wrestling as a kid, I know what the hell I'm dealing with.

Using my newfound bestial irises, I pierce into their skin with my thousand-yard stare. While I can't speak, my mere look just screams Who else wants a fight? Put up your dukes, if you dare..

As for their reactions, well, they look absolutely batshit terrified.

"Um...boss?" says one of them. "I don't think we should mess with this guy."

"Why is it that the skinny nerdy guys are always the biggest threats?" says another.

"You know what they say," I tell them, when I finally revert back to human form. "Always beware the computer geeks."

"You can certainly say that again," says the third one, who clearly looks beaten up.

Soon enough, who should I witness in the middle of the street but my girlfriend?"

"Edward," she asks me. "What the hell is going on?"

From the looks of it, she notices the blood on my clothes & body.

"Oh my god...you're a serial killer!" she said. "I'm in love with a monster! You're literally Jeffrey Dahmer!"

"I can explain..." I tell her. Well, actually, no, no you can't. I think to myself. You might as well have told her that Obama was a gay Muslim alien from the country of Kenya.

"That guy..." says one of the thugs. "...He turned into a wolf and started attacking us!"

"Are you shitting me?" she says. "If you're a werewolf, I'm a vampire."

If she really wanted to prove she was a vampire, she'd be licking all the blood off of me. I think to myself.

"It's true!" I exclaim. There's really no way of hiding this from her. Even I knew this day would eventually come.

"Whatever," she says, giving me my jacket. "Let's just get home."Soon enough, we decide to walk home. It's the least we can do after a long day. Oh well.