Guided By The Stars: Book Three

Chapter Seventeen

In Elijah's heart, he understood how true Daniel's words were. He was a poster boy for the effects of being abused as a child. Substance abuse problems, mental health issues, aggressive behaviors, a period of suicidal behavior. He was homeless on and off, and was even overly promiscuous for a stretch of time, when he'd first disappeared. Out there looking for any amount of pleasure in the pain he was holding in.

Harrison hadn't been physically abusive toward him prior to his mother's death. He wasn't kind, but wasn't overly cruel to him, either. There were vague memories of Elijah hearing the way Harrison spoke and treated his mother, but those memories were pushed so far back in his mind, they seemed barely recognizable from a distance.

It isn't uncommon for a child who suffered a rough childhood to block much of it out, and Elijah was no different. He remembered fractions of his life before his mother's death, but most of it was this hazy, barely there recollection. Strange how he'd blocked much of that out, but not the physical abuse. He remembered every moment of that.

Which told Elijah that his life before his mother died was a much bigger issue that Elijah's brain would allow him to realize. If he thought hard enough, he could recall his mother's bruises, and his Harrison's ice cold words toward her. He could remember feeling trapped and unnoticed. Hell, he remembered having no Christmas presents one year, because he'd left his bike out in the yard two weeks before, rather than bringing it up to the porch.

If his brain held so much of it at bay, what must it have been like for his mother, who had no such luxury? His mother suffered, the same as him. And like him, he'd been made to feel like he deserved it. He was made to feel unloved and worthless.

Still, she must have seen the light near her end. According to Mary, his mother seemed to have given up, and accepted the out she was offered. So, she had to have realized what a terrible life they were leading under Harrison's control. The mistakes that were made, the relationships that were lost.

Yet even at her end, his mother had remained silent about Elijah's true father, or the family he'd isolated her from. If he'd known, Elijah may have found healing through her family. He could have had a support system out of Harrison's reach. He could have felt loved and wanted by his blood.

That was what Elijah blamed his mother for above all else. If she'd seen even a single flicker of light at her end, some clarity. His mother had owed him the truth. Instead, He'd waited twenty years after her death to find both his and her truth.

"You okay?" Madeline asked from behind him.

He felt her fingertips gently stroking his bare back, his body and hair still damp and warm from the shower that'd nearly run cold on him. Elijah allowed her soft touch to relax his nerves the best she could, and let out a long breath. "Dunno," he replied honestly. "Saying what I needed to say to Harrison helped, but I still don't know how to feel about my mother. I mean, I get it. I get being so lost in yourself and your demons that you just want to give in to them. I get feeling worthless inside, and being so low, you feel like it's your punishment for something."

Elijah turned then to face her on the couch, her fingers falling from his skin. "But she kept so many things from me, shit I deserved to know, to the end. There was no deathbed confession, no comforting hope. She was just breathing one minute, and gone the next, and took every secret of hers to the grave."

"Maybe she thought she had more time," Madeline suggested with a light shrug, tucking her curls behind her ear. "Or maybe she thought if she told you the truth, you'd hate her, and all she wanted was to feel your love at the end. Honestly, no one had that answer but her."

With Daniel in the kitchen making them all lunch, Elijah shifted his body, so it was next to Madeline rather than in front of her, then slid his black t-shirt over his head, the North Star tattoo disappearing from view.

It felt like such a long day already, and it was only noon.

"I forgive her for it, because I have to. I know what holding onto resentment does to me, and that's not the guy I want to go back to. Not when it means the risk of losing you. I don't if I feel angry so much as just disappointed and hurt."

"My mom always says that's worse," Madeline said by his side, "especially in your case, because you can't confront her. All you have is what you can guess was her perspective, and just doing what you're doing now, which is letting it out."

Elijah clasped his hands together and leaned back against the cushion, licking his lips before he spoke. "I don't think I ever dealt with my grief about losing my mom. I was so focused on what Harrison did to me, and all my issues that stemmed from that, that I never really focused on the issues I must have had about losing my mother so young. I mean, I've tapped into it before, but never took the dive.

"Now, it's right here in front of me. I have her family in my life, and her first love, and I know I'm strong enough to face the grief behind the anger, but I don't know what to do with it. I finally have you back. That is so much more than I thought I could ever have, and probably more than I deserve. It's like I've been climbing one mountain after another for most of my life, and having you back was supposed to mean I was finally at the stage where I could rest and just find peace."

Madeline's laugh was light and short-lived, and once it faded, she squeezed his arm. "Love doesn't mean life problems just stop happening. It just means you don't have to face them alone, and it gives you something to fight for. It's a reason to keep going."

She'd always been his reason. Elijah's love for her developed over time and was everlasting. She was his reason for staying in that house next door, refusing every opportunity for an out. She was one of his reasons for finally leaving, afraid of turning into someone she'd fear rather than love. Why he fought to survive, why he fought to be better, why he fell apart, why he put himself together.

Truth was, Elijah was too damn emotionally dependent on Madeline. Always had been. He'd been aware of that early in his life. Therapy allowed him to learn how to rely on himself and his own strength, and allowed him to find his own peace within himself, and live his own life. But she was always his reason.