My Swirling Thoughts, or Whatever?

For the Hard Days

Life. I've always taken it for granted.

Even though I've lost my grandmother - my Mother's mom - and my only great-grandmother I knew, even though I've known my days are numbered on Earth, it never hit me that hard. Sure, I was sad for them, cried countess times, I still miss them today, I didn't realize how fragile that thing is.

We don't know how much we have to be here, and I take it so fucking granted I let depression make me try to end my life. Multiple times. I'm eternally glad that something always pulled me back the last moment. I always was. Kind of. I shook it off, telling myself it's not a big deal, that I'm still here, why would I succeed next time, if it comes.

But what if I did? What would the people who love and care about me do? Even if I can't seem to realize that in a bad mental state. It took my other grandmother's death to hit me. All the pain I feel for losing her. All the anger, the regrets, the helplessness, the remorse. It happened yesterday, but I only realized today, that I'll never see her again.

I can isolate myself from everyone, live without them for years, but they still care. And it would break their heart if I died before time. How could I make them feel this helplessness, the agonizing questions of what ifs, the regret that they couldn't help me?

I need to hold on, no matter how disastrous the situation might seem at times of sadness, depressive episode or a panic attack. Because they're counting on me. They love me, they're there for me, no matter what. I need to reach out to them, for their help, their compassion, for my, and their own sake.

This isn't particularly for anyone, just a reminder for myself in times of need. But if it helped even one person through a bad mental state, it was worth sharing with the world.

Be safe, and remember, You're loved, and you love.