yours - Conrad Fisher

𝐂𝐇. 𝟐𝟒 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬

𝐈 𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐓 𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐈 𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒𝐍'𝐓 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃.I looked over at my mother with tears in my eyes. I felt the stares of everyone around me but I could give a shit. "He bailed mom." I whispered. Her eyes went soft. As if it was something he'd been planning to do from the beginning, Conrad stood up and walked over to me grabbing my hand.

"I remember some of the steps." He whispered. I nodded and guided him over to the lines we were set to stand in. The music started, and we danced rhythmically, and all in one motion. It was perfect. better than I hoped. We stood with content smiles on our faces as the song concluded. it felt like Conrad and I were the only ones in the room, eyes never leaving each other's faces once through the whole dance.

"Conrad I have to tell you something," Jeremiah walked up to us holding his brothers shoulder. "it's important." Conrad blinked slowly. "Jeremiah can talk about this later?" he asked calmly.  "No Conrad I need to tell you something. It's about mom!" Jeremiah pleaded. Belly took a spot next to me and my brother slowly approached us as well. I hadn't realized that my brother and belly did a full dance routine together. 

Cute. "Jeremiah please." Conrad begged. "You know don't you? and you didn't think to tell me?" Jeremiah shouted, he swung at Conrad. Hard. Con stumbled backward falling to the ground. I blanked. Susannah? Jeremiah knows. Susannah walked up to the boys, all eyes on us. "What the hell is going on?" She asked angrily. I helped Conrad up. "We know mom." Conrad  whispered. Jeremiah cried. 

☄*∞☄ *

"She's not going to be ok this time is she?" I asked my tone mild. Tonight was supposed to be fun. Instead we left, and now I was flipping pancakes in my old cousins t-shirt and some random shorts. I stood there with a full face of makeup and my hair still perfectly done. My hands were shaking and I felt as if the world had gone still. Not a peep. 

"I don't know." Conrad replied watching me with those knowing eyes. I was slowly cracking. I could help it. But I tried. Conrad fisher couldn't see me cry. Not again. "Halle are you ok?" He asked walking closer. "I'm just dandy. I'm thinking." I answer my hands shaking more. "Halle, I know it's hard, I'm trying too..just talk to me." He said. I could see tears brimming his eyes. All I wanted to do was squeeze him and cry. 

He was loosing his mother. His rock. The only person who listened. But my feet stayed glued to the ground. "I know you love my mother, she's your person. You love her probably more then you love any of the teens. She's your... your light. Hal's just tell me what's going on in that mind of yours." He pleaded. My eyes were glued to the soupy batter. I shifted my gaze up to his eyes. He was watching my every move. 

"Do you want some?" I asked. "Don't try to change the subject on me. I'm losing my mother this is hard for me too!" He shouted. I turned to him, full body. I wanted to slap him. "Fucking Christ Conrad. Of course I know she's your mother. You love her you don't want to lose her, none of us do. I love you and I love her. What bothers me is the fact that you never told me. Is it what because you think I won't listen or is because you think I can't take it?" I screamed back.

 He looked shocked, I had never really yelled and Conrad. I stood there my arms in a questioning Stance. "It's not that." He said shaking his head and pointing his eyes to the ground. "I didn't want to make it real." He said he's eyes glued to my slippers. I placed my hand down not knowing it was on the stove. I heard a sizzle and Conrad looked up. "Fuck!" I shouted. This was my last straw. I was officially shattered. I clasped on to my hand. 

My fingers pounded and blistered. I could feel the tears now. "Halle are you ok?" He said frantically. I looked up at him and let the tears flow. I fell forward and he caught me. He slowly brought me down to the ground and leaned against the island. I clutched his jacket sobbing as he wrapped his arms around me. I sat in-between his legs with my body sprawled out and my head on his chest.

 I could hear his heart pounding. I could feel mine practically jumping out of my skin. I sat there crying as he rubbed my back crying as well. I felt selfish, this whole thing should be the other way around. I should be comforting him. I should be telling him that it'll be alright. But in this moment, we were both vulnerable. Crying in each other's embrace just like first night of summer. 

☄*∞☄ *

We all sat around the table laughing and eating pizza trying to be ok for her. for our rock. "Con, pass the cheese!" I called playing footies under the table with my brother. We all had our own talks but we all had the same smile. a dazzling one, just like hers. our rock. 

 I wasn't ready for what was to come. I wasn't ready to live life away from home at the end of this month, and I wasn't ready to say goodbye to another piece of me. But I realized that my answer was in front of my the whole time. Susannah and Jeremiah were always going to be the smilers with a strong sense of confidence. My little belly would always be so pretty, and sweet, and so goddamn funny. Steven would always be a trailblazer, and a mess wherever he went. 

my mother and brother were always going to be by my side no matter what. Laurel was always going to be my other mother, my inspiration, my author. 

I realized that my answer was in front of my the whole time.

 Conrad fisher and I were infinite. We were bound together by harmless flirting, fun and surreal moments, secrets, and kisses. He helped me find me. All of them did. 

"I want you to need me." 

"I do need you. I need every part of you. I need to see you. I need to feel you. I need you."