when the primrose blooms | y. jungwon

epilogue

Dear Sua,

It's been 7 months since you passed away. I miss you every day. Honestly, I feel like I'll never be able to get out of this cycle of depression. Nothing has been the same, but I'm trying to move forward. It's really hard, but I'm trying.

On the day of your funeral, it was the first time everyone gathered in a long time. Seri noona, Jaeyun hyung, Jongseong hyung, Heeseung hyung, Sunghoon hyung, Sunoo hyung, and Ni-ki were all there. It was heartwarming to see everyone again, gathered together, but I didn't want us to reunite at a funeral. It didn't feel right. Seri noona cried a lot. I know you two had a strong emotional connection and were like sisters. Despite our sadness, we tried our best to be in good spirits. After all, you were finally liberated from all your pain.

After the funeral, I became so depressed I stopped taking care of myself. Even though I was already in university, I couldn't find the urge to leave my bed. My mom would have to try and get me to leave the house and Sunoo hyung would come too since we go to university together. I didn't feel like eating and I cried almost every day. It felt like a living hell and at some points I wanted to end everything. I was hospitalized at one point because of exhaustion and not getting proper nutrition. It really sucked being at the hospital, but it made me realize that you went through this kind of situation so often. It gave me the slightest glimpse of what you experienced. Anyways, even with my struggles the people around me kept me going and encouraged me. You also kept me going because you told me to live my life to the fullest.

One thing that really helped me get through all of this pain was music. It allowed to me to freely express myself and made me remember my beginnings at school. The performing arts club back in high school was so fun. I really needed something like that in university. Sunoo hyung encouraged me to try making my own music. I've been able to write a few songs, most of them were for you. It thrilled me to find a passion and set me on a career path. I have hopes of being a music producer as a music major. Music keeps me alive.

I never told you this in-depth, which I really regret, but I fell in love with you back in middle school too. I remember it was when you grabbed my wrist and we started running out of school to take a train to the ocean side. We both got in so much trouble for cutting class, but it was the most exciting moment of my life. Every day was so ordinary and grey until I met you. Sua you were my world. You changed me as a person for the better and I'm so grateful to you.

That's all for now. I know you're never going to be able to read this, but maybe you can in heaven. I will never forget you, my love. I love you, Sua.

- Jungwon