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｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆
— 'alicent had learned a cruel truth too early in life. that love. true love comes slowly but departs so swiftly. it leaves you grasping at the wind where love had once been.'
IN HER FINAL DAYS — Alicent could do nothing but reminisce.
The Queen in Chains had lost any remnants of her sanity long ago, and instead retreated inside her own head where the ghosts of her past still lived. Where she could pretend that all those she had loved, and those who had loved her still existed. Her sweet girl. Helaena. Her boys — her precious boys. And in the moonlit nights her mind tormented her with one thought alone.
Eirene.
She could still smell the wildflowers on her skin. Picture the unruliness of her hair and yet as time passed her face became more and more distorted as her mind tried to age her. As it tried to fill in the blanks of what she would never know.
It was a cruel thing. The regret and bitterness of her own mind working against her. Throwing her biggest mistake back in her face. All of the what if's lingering far too long.
Yet sometimes it was a comfort to remember the simpler times.
Eirene had been ten and three when she arrived at court. Only a few months older than Alicent herself. When she had stepped out of her carriage — dark eyes staring up at the Red Keep in wonder — Alicent had been bewildered.
Alicent had not known what Eirene Tyrell had looked like. She had just assumed she would look similar to all of the other ladies of court. Yet there she had been a stark contrast to Alicent.
Her hair was a mousy colour and so curly that whatever hairstyle she had tried to wrestle it into had clearly disintegrated immediately. She was shorter than Alicent, but held herself in such a way that she appeared taller. Her hands were filthy, dirt seemingly embedded into her fingernails. Something that made Alicent want to pick at her own.
In other words. She was a mess.
Her father had sat herself and her brother's down before the girl had arrived, reminding them to be cautious of their new ward. The Hightowers and the Tyrell's notoriously did not get along. When Aegon the Conqueror had come to mainland Westeros — House Gardener had rebelled only to be completely wiped out on the male side. Aegon had then appointed the Tyrell's who were mere stewards as Lord Paramount of the Reach instead of the Hightowers. Spurning them.
The only reason the other Lord's of the Reach had not openly rebelled had been because of the Targaryen support behind the Tyrell's. But the grudge remained centuries later.
Alicent wondered for a moment if it was the steward blood that still ran within her veins that made her so improper. Only to immediately feel bad when the girl presented her with a small bouquet of starflowers that she had clearly kept alive all the way from Highgarden.
When Alicent's pale cheeks warmed, the girl visibly preened and she was gifted with the first of her smiles. It was one she had committed to memory — the way the girl's dimpled chin became more pronounced and her eyes crinkled. Whenever the image of her crying came to haunt her, she thought of that smile to chase it away.
Often she wished that she had made her smile more, heard that laugh one more time. She had been showing the girl around the Red Keep the first time she heard it, and it had not been a pretty thing. Nothing like the girlish giggle of Rhaenyra or her own subdued laugh that she fought to contain. It was loud and free. Often ending with an unladylike snort that would make most highborn ladies faint in mortification – but it only served to make the girl laugh even harder.
It was contagious, and Alicent who was known for being so uptight and studious after her mother's passing couldn't help but join in. After Eirene was gone she could count on one hand the amount of times she had truly laughed. She supposed it was only fair the girl take a part of Alicent with her.
When Alicent had taken so much from her.
Why had she done that? She often wondered out-loud, imprisoned in her apartments. When she tore up all her green dresses she screamed it.
( WHY DID SHE DO THIS? )
Why had she hurt all those she loved? But Alicent knew the at answer. Fear. She wished she had not spent so much time being frightened. Scared of her father, the king, Rhaenyra — herself.
Scared of what she felt. Who she was. When Eirene always seemed so at ease, so sure of herself. She was afraid of how much she wanted to be that way too.
Now it was too late.
( author's note! ) it's finally here! some lesbian angst for you guys <33
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