Utter Defeat

20. A Tardy Realisation

I am a bastard...

Zheng Hao kept repeating it all night long, drowning in misery. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to say that he hated the kiss. It was making him a bastard twice a time, but the taste of the marvellous kiss didn't fade from his lips, making funny things down 'there'.

Gosh! He was going into a frenzy!

Knock... knock...

The voice froze Zheng Hao on the spot, not knowing what to do. Should he feign sleeping? Or was it better to confront Xiao Yang?

"I know you are awake, ge, you have been hitting your head to the wall for quite some time."

Damn it, Zheng Hao said inwardly, rubbing his face with irritation. Helpless, he untangled himself from the blanket and opened the door.

"Good morning," Xiao Yang waved his hand with a hesitant smile, "take a shower and come to the kitchen," he said and walked to the said direction, rubbing the back of his head.

Zheng Hao did as he was told and went to the kitchen after a shower. Xiao Yang was already sitting in front of the table with two bowls of porridge which the older man cooked the previous day.

Without a word, Zheng Hao sat on his allocated seat and pushed the painkillers towards Xiao Yang.

Hail the attentiveness, Xiao Yang said inwardly while mumbling a thanks. He pushed the medicine box aside as well as the porridge to talk to his husband about the previous night, but the latter pulled the bowl in front of him again.

"First eat and take the medicine, then we will talk."

Trying so hard not to nod like a puppy, Xiao Yang grabbed his spoon and lazily took a bite. Well, even without a nod, it was an obedient move, but hey, who takes notice?

In silence, they ate half of the porridge, but the remaining refused to go down from Xiao Yang's throat because of the imminent confrontation.

"Last night-"

"I am so sorry about it," Zheng Hao cut him off, avoiding eye contact. His hand around the spoon was so tight that the poor thing curved inward.

Xiao Yang slammed his own spoon on the table, splashing white porridge, "if you think you can get out of this with an apology, think twice! I may have started it, but YOU kissed me back! So don't act like it was a simple mistake!"

"No... wait, it's just..." Zheng Hao didn't know what to say. Sorry? Sorry but not sorry? Feeling betrayed by his heart and words, he sighed heavily, "well, I have to say sorry, you were drunk, yet I just..."

Anger left its half place to curiosity in Xiao Yang's heart. He leaned on his elbows, asking "so, you were saying sorry because you think you used my condition, not because you were regretful kissing me?"

Zheng Hao looked at the younger man with widened eyes. He didn't expect to be caught red-handed, but he did and the hopeful look in Xiao Yang's eyes was making it impossible for him to back out.

"Why do you like me, Xiao Yang? I have never treat you nicely; on the contrary, I broke your heart many times with stupid misunderstandings. So why?"

Xiao Yang grunted silently as he couldn't receive an answer for his question. He remained silent for a few seconds, playing with his fingers, then let out a soft chuckle.

"Although you seem so cold, you are actually very caring and have helped me many times."

Zheng Hao frowned, "indeed I helped you a few times during our marriage because you got hurt because of me, but it doesn't explain your never-ending chasing in the university."

"Really?" Xiao Yang smiled at his oblivion, "let me give you a few examples then," he said and leaned back on his chair, "once I got you from the canteen when there was a downpour. You were very reluctant to get into my car, but before you got off, you gave me your jacket because I was half wet."

Zheng Hao didn't remember that exact incident as it was usual for Xiao Yang to do him favours like that. Still, he got the big picture, so he said "wasn't it normal? You drove me and in exchange I gave you my jacket, no?"

The younger man rolled his eyes, "okay, let me give you another example. Do you remember your graduation day?"

The older man nodded.

"I was really scared when the fireworks exploded, but then you enveloped me in a warm hug, whispering soothing words to my ear."

"I would do the same for anyone," Zheng Hao announced, and Xiao Yang smiled.

"I know, you are so nice and I loved you more because of that," he said, but seeing the unconvinced expression on the other's face, he added one more example. Tapping his index finger on the table, he asked "do you remember the day I came to your store for the first time and you said 'leave me alone'?"

Guiltily, Zheng Hao nodded. As he had learned about Xiao Yang and his father's bond, he felt terrible for his actions that day.

"Although you said those words, you grabbed my arm and stopped me from going out when it started to rain heavily. You told me to stay in until it ended and even gave me a cup of hot tea."

"It is not something important to mention."

"For me, it is," Xiao Yang objected firmly, "also the time when you accidentally burned my hand with iron. I still remember your expression changing from angry to worried in a second. You even ran to the pharmacy to get me ointment. I still remember how gentle you were while applying it to my hand..."

"But-"

"No buts, ge," Xiao Yang cut him off, "I fell in love with you because you never cared about my money. I fell in love with you because you are so humble about yourself. I fell in love with you because you were always there when I needed someone. I fell in love with you because it was the first time I felt the warmth of a happy family... Now tell me why you kissed me."

Feeling emotionally overwhelmed by Xiao Yang's confession, Zheng Hao felt tears welled into his eyes. He felt so stupid to push Xiao Yang away from himself. He wanted to hold onto his pride and remained true to his words about not loving the younger in that lifetime, yet... How stupid he was! He almost lost such a treasure! Who would love him as purely as him? Who could cope with his stupid pride and unreasonable anger as good as him?

While Zheng Hao was facing himself, Xiao Yang rose to his feet. "What did I expect?" he said, disappointed, and his words snapped the other man out of his reverie.

"Wait!" Zheng Hao jumped on his feet and grabbed Xiao Yang's arm, turning him to himself, "I was so stupid, I will be better, please forgive me," he said and smashed their lips.