It turns out that truth is inherently demanding mostly when it's kept out of sight. It knocks behind guilt, conceals itself in lies only to peek through the terrors at night. Anumang pagpanaw ng ugat, maniningil at maniningil ang katotohanan na mapalaya sa kamay ng iba. By fair means or foul, it always finds a way to rebel against the cages of human greed and ignorance.
Or in some cases, like mine, truth crawls out of the grave no matter the depth of the burial ground.
I had the strong urge of running back to my mother and demand answers. But it would only feel like I am talking to the wall. Sa biyahe pauwi ay naparaan kami sa tulay sa Catarman at hindi ko alam ano ang pumasok sa isip ko nang tumalon.
It might have been spur of the moment as I saw the tempting waters. At hinaluan ng kuryosidad na rin siguro tungkol sa alimpuyo at kung totoo bang hinihila ang lahat ng napapalapit doon. At kung anong mayroon sa kawalan na iyon.
But with the path of my thoughts all these years, the recurring thoughts in my subconscious might have all been doing the work for me to end everything once and for all.
Diving underwater, I was pulled to hide from the real world above me; The half-truth that's persisting to chase. Even I, have been avoiding the beams of the sun cutting through the waters just to sequester myself from the further gaze of the skies. Hindi ko alam ano ang kailangan nito sa akin. What else does it demand from me when I only bear half the truth while his father holds the entirety of it? Puwede ko rin naman itong balewalain. But the memory of what happened doesn't linger in my head for nothing.
Those dark eyes gazed as if he never had an inkling of who I am... yet. Ngunit hindi ko rin matiyak sa paninitig lang. Kaba lang siguro 'tong nagdidikta ng mga hinuha ko para sa akin. Kung ako ang nasa posisyon niya, ano ang gagawin ko kung kilala ko siya o hindi?
Mukhang wala ring kaide-ideya ang ama niya na nasa iisang university kami. I could have seen him around by now, o baka pinili nitong hindi na talaga magpakita sa amin anuman ang kinikimkim niyang katotohanan.
The things I could have done when our paths crossed. Puwedeng-puwede ko siyang higitin at hamunin tsaka ipakilala ang sarili. And if he had so much as bothered to look for Mother, I could have offered him a lead that she's alive and that all her life, she's been calling his name instead of mine.
Or not. He appeared to be in a better place so what good could else have happened had I upset his pleasant disposition with the truth his father and I have shared?
Lumakas ang pagtadyak ko upang itulak ang sarili sa lilim. At bawat bilis ng langoy tungo sa ilalim at lakas ng bawat padyak ay tila bumabawi sa pagkakapako ko kanina. It felt like I was the cage cradling the truth inside me as I still tremble from the liberty of it all, even underwater.
Or am I the half living truth after all? The more I demand for it does seem to mean I am desperately demanding to find who I truly am. Para bang ako na mismo ang nakakulong, inaalog ang rehas na nagkukubli sa akin habang ako ang ipinagkait na katotohanang walang patid sa kasisigaw, nagpupumilit na makalaya.
And this is how it exactly feels like when you have been bottling up the truth for so long. Hiding for time out of mind. Lungs straining to survive as they pleaded for air. Chest tightening as tension knots, demanding to be unraveled. Limbs numb as the adrenaline rush of blood straining to emerge from the surface so I could finally breathe... and exhale, like freed confessions in my ribs bursting at the seams.
Sa totoo lang ay natutukso akong hindi na bumalik. It's the same world out there once I emerge. It's the same life I would live after the truth I found. But the chances I could have seized intruded in behalf of a firm hand. The hope and the what ifs...
